Of Babies, Rings and Insanity
by gaterback
Summary: rated pg-13 for language. another one where 3 girls drop into ME, but what makes this one different? One of them has a baby, one is afraid of water, and the other is a magnet for creepy stalker guys.
1. It Begins

Of Babies, Rings and Insanity  
  
Disclaimer: I own myself, and that's it. Carolyn and Jenneva own themselves, and my darling baby boy belongs to planned parenthood. Everything else is from Tolkien, or some other brilliant genius.  
  
Chapter One  
  
It all started with Mr. Santacroche. He had yelled at Kelsey, "Shut that stupid baby up or I'm gonna kill it!" Kelsey felt tears well up in her eyes, but she proudly lifted her head and walked calmly out of the eurhythmy hall, grabbing the infant seat on her way out. She immediately headed for the woods behind the school, but turned when she heard footsteps behind her. It was Carolyn and Jenneva, whose babies had also started to cry.  
  
As all three girls fell into step together, none spoke a word. When they reached the field, full of wildflowers and clover, they sat. Within a minute, the crying had stopped. Kelsey's baby had only needed a diaper and was ready to be left alone again, but she stayed anyway. Any excuse was a good one to get out of eurhythmy. After about 5 minutes of silence, Jenneva spoke.  
  
"We should probably go back, now."  
  
"Why don't we go on a little hike in the woods, instead?" asked Carolyn.  
  
"And drag these car seats around?" asked Jenneva, always the practical one.  
  
"No, we'd leave them here. They'll be fine for 2 minutes. C'mon, lets go."  
  
Kelsey and Jenneva looked at each other and shrugged. Kelsey picked up her baby carrier and started towards the woods.  
  
"Are you seriously going to bring that thing?" asked Carolyn.  
  
"I'm not leaving my baby, he could be kidnapped! Besides, what if he needs me?" Kelsey looked adoringly at her baby, and Carolyn and Jenneva threw hopeless looks at each other. "Aren't you two coming?"  
  
With this the three...uh...four headed off along the trails in the woods. After an excruciatingly long two minutes, Kelsey was ready to head back. "Ok guys, this was fun, lets be done now, this thing is heavy. But that doesn't mean I don't love you, no it doesn't," she cooed into the baby carrier.  
  
"Maybe it wouldn't be as heavy if you didn't pack it with so much stuff," pointed out Jenneva.  
  
Kelsey looked at the baby carrier, which was holding a variety of items, including her lunch, cd player and case, a water bottle, her purse, and the book she was currently reading, all piled on top of the baby, with only his head showing. A head that was wearing a splendid pair of tortoise shell sunglasses.  
  
After a pause, "Shut up," was Kelsey's stinging retort.  
  
As they started back, Kelsey started to sing.  
  
"OOOOHHHHHHH..."  
  
Recognizing the song, Jenneva joined in.  
  
"This is the story 'bout a guy named Al And he lived in the sewer with his hamster pal But the sanitation workers really didn't approve So he packed up his accordion and had to move To a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree And he worked in a nasal decongestant factory And he played on the company bowling team And-"  
  
"ENOUGH!" shouted Carolyn, startling birds out of the trees. Kelsey and Jenneva looked at each other, back at Carolyn, then at each other again. They shrugged and continued walking, humming the tune.  
  
After about ten minutes, they still had not arrived back at school. Carolyn started to look worried, and stopped walking.  
  
"Guys, I think we are lost."  
  
"No, all we need to do is wait for one of your babies to start crying, and we'll follow the noise, "was Kelsey's reasoning.  
  
They waited for another ten minutes, but heard nothing.  
  
"Well, we could just walk in one direction. When we come out of the woods we can make our way back to the school. We'll either end up in the subdivision next to the school, the park, or Pontiac Trail (A/N: PT is a big street that the school is located on). Then we can just walk or take the bus back to school."  
  
All three girls looked at each other, then at their surroundings. With Jenneva as their leader, they headed off in a westerly direction. How did they know they were going west? Kelsey had complained about the sun in their eyes before remembering her baby was wearing sunglasses.  
  
They had been gone now for about an hour. There had been no babies crying, or bells ringing to lead them back to school. And it would be dark in a few hours. Carolyn was starting to worry.  
  
And then, as if someone had recognized their plight, the trees ended. It looked like they had been groomed into in a relatively straight line. But no signs of civilization existed. Ahead of them, there was a field similar to the one behind the school, but this one went on for as far as the eye could see.  
  
"Oh, crap."  
  
A/N: If you want me to keep going, REVIEW!!! If I suck as bad as I think I do, REVIEW! And tell me so (but in a nice way, pleeeze) 


	2. Party at The Pony

Chapter Two  
  
After wandering for another half hour, full of complaining from Kelsey (The baby carrier was getting to be quite a nuisance), the girls stumbled upon a town. No, it was more a village. There was a tiny cluster of houses and shops, with an inn. The Prancing Pony.  
  
When Carolyn saw the sign of The Pony, she stopped dead. This caused Jenneva to bump into her, and Kelsey to bump into her. All three fell, Kelsey's arm awkwardly in the air to save her baby from harm.  
  
"Kelsey, do you see what I see?" asked a bewildered Carolyn.  
  
"I see the preeeety blue sky. Just like Ninny in the boat scene!"  
  
Ignoring this, Carolyn pointed out the sign.  
  
Kelsey and Jenneva's jaws dropped.  
  
"Holy shit! It's like China town, but Lord of the Rings town! COOL!!!" shrieked Kelsey, bringing looks of curiousity from the townspeople. "And the people look like hobbits!!"  
  
Jenneva slapped a hand over Kelsey's mouth, and smiled at the gawking villagers. Realizing they were staring, they went about whatever it was townspeople do, besides run around screaming when something attacks them.  
  
"Let's go see about a room, I'm bushed, "suggested Carolyn.  
  
They entered the Inn of the Prancing Pony, and walked up to the front desk. A large, but nice man greeted them.  
  
"Good Evening, ladies, the name's Butterbur, what can I do for you?"  
  
Kelsey giggled, and Carolyn stepped on her foot.  
  
"Well sir," explained Jenneva, "We are travelers, but unfortunately we were robbed, and so we don't have any money. We are willing to work, though, for a meal and board for the night."  
  
"Hmmmmmm..."  
  
"In the kitchen or as waitresses, or in the stables or something," added Carolyn hastily.  
  
"Yes, well, I could use some extra waitresses, and someone to help in the kitchen... I'll strike you a deal. 4 hours hard work from each will get you dinner, board for the night and breakfast. If you want to stay longer, we'll talk in the morning."  
  
"Thank you, Mr. Butterbur. I'm Carolyn, and this is Jenneva, and Kelsey." Kelsey cleared her throat, but Carolyn ignored her, hoping that the baby would go unnoticed. "When do we start?" she asked.  
  
But Butterbur was eying the Kelsey's baby.  
  
"Oh, he won't cause any trouble, I promise! If he does cry, it takes less than a minute to appease him, and I'll be back to work!" explained Kelsey.  
  
"Alright, then." He eyed Jenneva up and down, making her blush. "You'd better be the one to work I the kitchen, these two look like they can handle themselves with the men, but you...had better work in the kitchen," he concluded lamely. "The cook's over there in the corner, follow her back to the kitchen and she'll give you instructions."  
  
"Thank you," replied Kelsey.  
  
The three girls made their way over to a door they had seen the cook disappear through. As they entered, they could feel the heat from the stove.  
  
"Whaddya want, I'm busy, here, " yelled the cook, obviously stressed.  
  
"Butterbur was nice enough to let us work for-"  
  
"Ah, so yer waitresses, are ya? Hmmm, you'd better work in the kitchens, I think" she told Jenneva.  
  
"Yeah, I know."  
  
The cook turned sourly to Kelsey and Carolyn.  
  
"You two, go around with this pitcher of ale and refill anyone's cup whose is empty. And be nice to the customers, no matter how rude they are to ya, "she warned. "And I'll have no slacking, either."  
  
Carolyn and Kelsey nodded, and set out with their pitchers. After about three minutes, they retreated back to the kitchen, both blushing bright red.  
  
"Holy crap, I cant believe what those guys are saying!"  
  
"I don't think that's actually physically possible..."  
  
They looked at each other, then at the cook who had two platters full of food.  
  
"This one goes to that table with the one-eyed scoundrel, and this goes to the dark silent man in the corner over there. Don't talk to that one, he's a troublemaker," she advised.  
  
Suspecting who the dark, silent man was, Kelsey seized his plate and headed over to him. Ignoring the rude remarks thrown at her from tables on either side of her, Kelsey made her way to the corner and set down the plate.  
  
"There you are, mister...Strider, is it?"  
  
He looked at her from under his hood. Kelsey couldn't see his eyes, but she could feel his piercing gaze.  
  
"Yes, it is Strider, isn't it. Well, when the hobbits come and they are being chased by the...well, you know what's after them...just make sure that you take care on Weathertop."  
  
Knowing that she had planted a seed, Kelsey turned to leave, when a hand shot and grabbed her arm, turning her back towards its owner.  
  
"What do you know of the hobbits, and of what chases them?" asked a gruff voice, and Kelsey felt herself pulled down into the chair opposite of Strider.  
  
"I know enough to help you in your quest. I know what has happened and what will come to pass." Kelsey heard a cry from the kitchen, and stood up, her maternal instincts alert. Strider grabbed her arm, but she twisted away and walked towards the wails. 


	3. EarSnogging Aragorn

In the Depp End, you rock my world!!! I actually got a review! does the happy dance!!! OK, so im at school so this chapter will be short!  
  
Back to the story  
  
"Hot guy alert!" yelled Kelsey as she walked into the kitchen. Jenneva and Carolyn looked at her strangely, but their attention was soon on something past Kelsey's shoulder. Kelsey turned, and spotted Aragorn who had followed her into the kitchen. Panicking, she grabbed a pitcher of water and threw it at him. As he stood there spluttering, Kelsey explained,  
  
"I told you guys he was hot, why didn't you do anything!?"  
  
Silence  
  
"He needed a bath anyways......and so does Carolyn!!!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOO! I'm not stinky! DON'T get my hair wet or I'll kill you!"  
  
Kelsey walked over to the baby and started to feed him out of a bottle, planning to get Carolyn later. Aragorn had recovered, and he walked over to Kelsey.  
  
"I don't know why you threw water on me, but that's not really important. What do you know of the hobbits?"  
  
Kelsey ignored him, humming to herself as she held her baby. Frustrated, Aragorn grabbed her arm, jostling the baby.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!AHHH, Ahhhh, AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"  
  
"Now you've done it, you stupid, hairy, dirty, soon to be king-guy with too many names!"  
  
"Milady, I am sorry, I-"  
  
"YOU MADE THE HEAD GO BACK!!! MY POOR BABY IS GONNA CRY FOR TEN FUCKING MINUTES NOW! AND THE ONLY WAY TO SHUT HIM UP IS TO TAKE OUT THE BATTERIES!"  
  
Silence except for the wailing baby  
  
"Umm, what's a battery?"  
  
"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS HAIRY GUY WHO WAS RAISED BY WOLVES...NO, ELVES! IF I FAIL HEALTH NOW IT'S YOUR FAULT, AND I......I'M TELLING ON YOU!"  
  
This brought a bewildered look from Aragorn.  
  
Carolyn calmly took his arm and wheeled him out of the kitchen, and whispered in his ear,  
  
"We are in room seven, after you have the hobbits tucked in, come talk to us. We may be able to help..." Boromir was the unsaid word.  
  
Then, when Aragorn didn't move, she lightly kissed his ear and turned around. As soon as she had entered the kitchen, she burst into peals of maniacal (A/N it IS a word) giggles. 


	4. Of Knives, Pointy Knives

Chapter four  
  
A/N: I actually got 3 reviews!!!! does another happy dance thankyouthankyouthankyou!!! You all get a yummy cookie! Disclaimer: I own nothing but me  
  
Chapter Four  
  
As Carolyn strode back into the kitchen, her laughing actually drowned out the baby's crying. (No mean feat as you who have had electronic babies know). Kelsey and Jenneva looked at her questioningly. Carolyn just shook her head and kept laughing. Unfortunately, between the baby's crying and Carolyn's laughing, the cook was attracted back (from wherever she was) to the kitchen.  
  
"Back to work, girls! You'll have to work another few ours to earn those beds of yours."  
  
Kelsey took off her hoodie to smother out the baby, leaving only a tank top (and her pants, of course, those with dirty minds!) She grabbed a tray of food, as did Carolyn, and they both headed out, Carolyn still recovering from her giggling fit. The two girls both headed to a table with a rather large party, and started to hand out the food. Kelsey was handing off the last plate when she felt a rough hand slap her butt. She stiffened, and she and Carolyn shared a look. Carolyn was blushing, the same thing had happened to her. Carolyn saw the glint in Kelsey's eye and started to shake her head, but it was too late. Kelsey took the platter that had held the dishes, and smacked the trespasser right across the check (the one on his face, get your minds out of the gutter!). The man was stunned; he had obviously had too much to drink. Kelsey stalked back to the kitchen for another tray of food, Carolyn following. Both were livid with anger.  
  
"Kelsey, you could have gotten us fired! Where would we sleep then?"  
  
"He had no right! And you shouldn't just accept what he did to you! Those bastards treated us like they could do anything they wanted to us. I've got too much pride to let something like that go."  
  
Kelsey turned, a pitcher of ale in her hand, when she spotted Frodo and the other hobbits talking to Butterbur. She was so excited, she almost dropped the pitcher.  
  
"Jenneva, get your butt out here," she whispered. Then remembering the baby, she went into the kitchen and repeated herself in a much loader voice.  
  
Jenneva came out, confused, when she spotted the hobbits.  
  
"They're so cute! Can I take one home?  
  
Carolyn came up behind them and pinched their sides to get their attention.  
  
"Let's just get our work done so we can visit them!"  
  
3 hours later.....  
  
"How about this one, Carolyn in a gruff voice 'Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again'?"  
  
"Its universal! And so cheesy, I don't know why anyone would use it!" laughed Jenneva.  
  
"Well Jenneva, since you have compiled a nice list of stalkers, you must have heard some awful pick-up lines. Do share," requested Kelsey.  
  
"Well, this one's kinda weird....in a deep voice Nice shoes, wanna fuck'?" This brought on gales of laughter, which went on for several minutes before there was a knock on the door.  
  
"Who is it?" asked Jenneva.  
  
There's no answer.  
  
In a high voice "Who is it?"  
  
Three's no answer.  
  
"Who is it!?" she yelled angrily.  
  
They're not sayin' anything. So she went to the door and sure enough, it was Aragorn, dressed like a hermaphrodite with a flock-o-seagulls haircut and only one nostril. (A/N: one name: Weird Al).  
  
Well he stormed into their inn room and closed the door behind him and whispered, "Come with me to see the hobbits."  
  
Jenneva squealed happily.  
  
Carolyn walked out the door.  
  
Kelsey followed Carolyn, then remembered her baby and ran back to grab him. In 30 seconds the three girls were following Aragorn to the hobbits' room.  
  
A minute later they reached it. Aragorn opened the door slowly, and led them into the room. There were four sleeping shapes on the beds. Aragorn closed the door behind them, and motioned for them to go to a corner to talk.  
  
"Now, what do you know of the hobbits and the danger the are in?"  
  
Kelsey piped up first.  
  
"We know that Frodo has the One ring, and that the dead kings dressed like John Burnett are ringwraiths and want to get it and bring it to their master. And Gollum escaped from his prison in Mirkwood and Gandalf has disappeared to Rohan looking for clues about the ring."  
  
"What else?" Aragorn asked.  
  
Jenneva spoke, "Sam is Frodo's gardener and they live in the shire in Bag Ends. Well Frodo does anyway. And-"  
  
Jenneva was interrupted by a screeching noise. Everyone clasped their hands over their ears.  
  
"And that was the wraiths screaming because the hobbits have slipped away," said Carolyn.  
  
"Strider, what's going on?" asked a voice from the darkness.  
  
"We have encountered some friends, Pippin. At least I think them to be friends," Aragorn said with a pointed look at the girls. They took the hint.  
  
"Oh yes, we're friends, we want to help you, we can tell you what is going to happen so you can try to prevent bad things from happening," all three girls babbled, hoping Aragorn wouldn't poke them with his sword. It was a pointy sword. That burned with the fires of a thousand evils.  
  
Aragorn looked satisfied. "Get to sleep, little ones. We leave early in the morning." "What about us?" asked Kelsey, puppy eyes and pouty lip mode on full blast.  
  
"You three shall come too, and we will let Lord Elrond decide what to do with you." 


	5. The Sexist Bastard

Chapter Five  
  
To my reviewers: You guys rock! As one of you knows, reviews make me SOOOO happy! I've been ecstatic for about 4 days straight now. You guys should get medals or something!!!  
  
Warning: I have had 2 cups of coffee, and it was NOT decaf, so BEWARE!!! Weird things happen when I am god, especially a hyper god.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing, blah blah blah, everyone either owns themselves or Tolkien owns them (.  
  
Oh, p.s. I'm going roughly by the movie version of LOTR. Unless I don't feel like it. Teehee.  
  
Chapter Five  
  
The next morning  
  
"Carolyn, will you help me carry Fabio?" begged Kelsey. They had been hiking for about an hour, and she felt like she was going to die.  
  
"Uhhhh, NO!"  
  
"Jenneva?"  
  
"You were the one who decided to bring him along, you can be responsible for him," was the sadistic response.  
  
"Well...fine then! I don't need your help! I can do this all on my own! I'll be his father and his mother, you bastards!"  
  
With this, Kelsey took out a roll of duct tape from her purse, and started to wrap it around the baby carrier.  
  
"Kelsey, what is that strange substance, and what are you doing with it?" asked Pippin naively.  
  
"It's duct tape, Pippin. The one duct tape, to rule them ALL!!!"  
  
This brought odd looks from all of the hobbits, especially Frodo, who was reminded of what Gandalf had said about the One Ring.  
  
Kelsey ignored all of the looks and hoisted the baby carrier onto her back, where she duct taped it to her torso and shoulders. Looking satisfied, she continued to walk.  
  
"She could have just put it onto Bill, he wouldn't have minded," said Sam.  
  
"Shut up Samwise Gamgee, or I'll tell your gaffer on you!" yelled Kelsey. "I can do this on my own."  
  
The group heaved a collective sigh, shrugged their shoulders and went along their merry way. Even Merry. (A/N: Do you see the caffeine effect yet?)  
  
About an hour later, Pippin (or was it Merry? An Orlando-shaped chocolate- mmmm, chocolate-cookie to whoever reviews and tells me!) started to complain that he was hungry. Kelsey, Jenneva and Carolyn knew what was coming, and they were hungry, too. They hunched over, readying themselves to catch the flying food that was to come. A juicy red apple flew back, and the three girls jumped for it. Carolyn caught it, and took a big bite out of it to prevent anyone from stealing it. Kelsey and Jenneva pouted, but their attention was soon brought to the next apple flying through the air like a graceful big chunky red apple butterfly. Jenneva leaped and caught this one, making Kelsey scream in outrage.  
  
"One more, Aragorn!"  
  
No apples or replies followed.  
  
"Please? Sniffle, sniffle, pout pout."  
  
Kelsey hung her head and tramped forward. Suddenly, and apple flew through the air and hit her in the head, almost knocking her over. Luckily, Sam grabbed her before she could fall.  
  
"My hero!" Kelsey gave Sam a kiss on the cheek, making him blush bright red. She giggled and headed forward.  
  
Hours later, at Weathertop  
  
The hobbits were given swords, but the girls remained weaponless, which they complained bitterly about.  
  
"Oh, so when-I mean, if we get attacked, our lives are completely forfeit if the hobbits-who have NO military training whatsoever, though Sam is rather impressive with a frying pan, fail?" Fumed Kelsey.  
  
"That's so sexist!" mumbled Jenneva.  
  
"Stupid bastards? How are we supposed to protect Frodo?" asked Carolyn.  
  
"Women do not fight," was all Aragorn said, before heading out to scout. The girls were so mad that they forgot to tell Aragorn he was going to scout in the wrong direction. Stupid sexist idiot.  
  
When it began to get dark, Jenneva warned the hobbits about the fire. "You guys, DO NOT start a fire, the ringwraiths will come and stab you with knives."  
  
"Pointy knives," added Carolyn.  
  
"That burn with the fires of a thousand evils," said Kelsey prophetically (A/N: Oh yeah, baby. It's a word.)  
  
The hobbits looked frightened. Satisfied, the girls lay down to sleep, they hadn't slept well the night before (hel-LO, there were four hobbits and a hot ranger in the room with them-plus an electronic baby.) and were very tired.  
  
The girls were rudely awakened by Fabio (the baby if you haven't figured it out by now) crying and yelling like Godzilla. The hobbits looked guilty from across the plateau. (A/N: Oh yeah, spelled it right in ONE try!!! sorry, caffeine)  
  
"We just wanted to look at him, miss Kelsey...."  
  
"YOU TIPPED HIS FREAKING HEAD BACK!!! AND I AM NOT-REPEAT NOT-TAKING OUT HIS BATTERIES! I LOVE HIM TOO MUCH TO KILL HIM, EVEN IF HE'S GONNA CRY FOR AN HOUR SINCE YOU'VE ABUSED HIM!"  
  
"We're sorry, miss Kelsey, we've just never really gotten the opportunity to see very many babies, and-" Sam was interrupted by Kelsey.  
  
"Sam, I had more trust in you! How could you do this to me?" Kelsey broke down sobbing, leaving a bewildered looking Sam and confused other peoples. The scene was interrupted by a screeching sound that Carolyn recognized instantly.  
  
"The ringwraiths have found us!"  
  
A/N: OOOHHHH, a CLIFFHANGER.... Kinda....sorry about the caffeine bursts, if this chapter seems weird, ITS NOT MY FAULT, it's the caffeine's!!!! How could it do this to me? Teehee. The periwinkle-purple button down there looks lonely....give it a click, then make me less lonely and write something in the preety box. Tank oo!  
  
P.S. read my buddy (the actual Carolyn from my story) Rohanshieldbitch's story too, I'm in it and its funny. Funnier than mine, sniff. Oh, and I'm being dragged on a nine-day camping trip with a Canadian (no offense to Canadians, of course) to survey a tiny island with 26 other people (including Carolyn and Jenneva) So I'm not able to update for those nine days because THERE IS NO ELECTRICITY UP THERE EXCEPT FOR IN THE KITCHENS. If I never update again, it is because I have died from lack of electricity. THANK YOU FOR READING, I LOVE YOU!!!! 


	6. Bitching Elves

Chapter Six  
  
Disclaimer: see one of the previous chapters; there should be a couple around there somewhere.  
  
To the reviewers: KELLY BE PATIENT!!! IF U POKE ME ONE MORE TIME U DON'T GET TO BE IN THE STORY AT ALL!!!! ARG, SO EVERYONE ELSE, YAY. I LOVE YOU.  
  
Previous chapter: The ringwraiths have found us!  
  
Oh No  
  
Chapter Six  
  
"AAHHHHH!" screamed Kelsey, clutching her baby to her chest. Sam, feeling guilty, stepped in front of Kelsey to protect her.  
  
As the wraiths began to close in on the group, Carolyn came charging towards the wraiths, brandishing a hairbrush.  
  
"If you touch my Frodo I'll kill you!"  
  
The wraiths ignored her, their attention riveted on Frodo.  
  
Jenneva picked a rock and threw it at the wraiths, making Kelsey laugh like a loon.  
  
"Ha ha ha, we will bash your brains out with rocks! And squish your noses! Wait, you don't even have noses! Or do you, you were sniffing out the hobbits before...."  
  
"Shut up, Kelsey!" yelled Jenneva.  
  
At that point, the wraiths had forced the group into a tight circle, with Frodo at the center. As the wraiths were poised to attack, Strider jumped in brandishing a branch of fire. Two of the wraiths caught on fire, and fled Weathertop. But one was dangerously close to Frodo. Jenneva saw this, and as the wraith's sword started to stab towards Frodo, she jumped in slow motion to block the blade.  
  
In deep slow motion voice "NoOoOoOoO!"  
  
Jenneva was stabbed right where Frodo had been, in the left shoulder. As Strider finished chasing off the wimpy ringwraiths, Kelsey and Carolyn rushed towards Jenneva.  
  
Kelsey: "Oh my god, Jenneva! It stabbed you with a knife!"  
  
Carolyn: "A pointy knife!"  
  
Both: "That burned with the fires of a thousand evils!" (www.legendaryfrog.com)  
  
"We must get Jenneva to Rivendell. She needs elvish medicine," said Strider.  
  
Kelsey and Carolyn started sobbing. Kelsey held her hand, and stroked it, murmuring reassurances.  
  
"It's ok, everything will be fine, don't worry, Arwen will save you, or Glorfindel, or Gandalf, or someone else will, don't you worry, you'll be just fine, Everything is all right, okey-dokey, peachy-keen-"  
  
"Shut up, Kelsey!" yelled Carolyn, obviously pms-ing.  
  
The company loaded up their bags (Fabio was duct taped to Bill, now) and took off towards Rivendell. The next few days were hell, Carolyn was constantly repeating, "Are we there yet?...... Are we there yet?...... Are we there yet?...... Are we there yet?......"  
  
Jenneva was constantly getting worse, and the ringwraiths were still following them. Just when everyone was ready to break down, two people appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, on horseback. One Kelsey recognized as Liv Tyler, aka Arwen, but the other's face Kelsey couldn't place.  
  
"Dude Carolyn, the elves are here to save us!" exclaimed Kelsey in relief.  
  
The unknown elf spoke up first.  
  
"Greetings. I am Glorfindel, at your service. I have been sent to escort you-"  
  
"No," interrupted Arwen. "I was sent to escort you to Rivendell."  
  
"No you weren't, just because your father is Elrond doesn't mean that you get all of the special privileges-"  
  
"Yes it does, you stupid fuck. The only thing you're good for is $%&#!"  
  
Now the two elves were skirmishing, calling each other various names, some in another language Kelsey and Carolyn assumed was elvish. At random intervals they would also turn their attention to the group, assuring them that they were the ones sent by Elrond to collect them. After about 7 minutes, Carolyn got angry.  
  
"Shut the fuck up! It doesn't fucking matter who was sent, one of you just take Jenneva to Rivendell so she doesn't die!"  
  
This made Arwen and Glorfindel blush, and they started mumbling about how they were just about to do that and only got a little sidetracked.  
  
"Put her on a fucking horse and go to Rivendell."  
  
This almost started another argument about who was going to take her, but Carolyn took out her evil glare. Under that gaze, all was silent. Kelsey had been thinking, and it would make most sense for Arwen to take Jenneva to Rivendell. It had worked in the movie, and that way Jenneva wouldn't be alone, un-chaperoned with a man-uh, elf....a guy with a penis. Also, Arwen and Aragorn couldn't get into trouble if they were separated. Kelsey smirked, and spoke up.  
  
"Okay, people. Glorfindel takes Jenneva to Rivendell. In the movie he got his part stolen, so now he gets to relinquish it. Arwen then will stay with us, and get acquainted to how a baby works. I assure you, it will come in handy," said Kelsey when Arwen gave her a questioning look. Her response to that look brought an even odder look from Aragorn, wish turned to a blush under Kelsey's steady gaze. Everything in place, Kelsey put her plan into action.  
  
"Okay then, get going Glorfy. Teehee, I like that name. You shall be my Glorfy and I shall have you every night."  
  
Jenneva heard this, and laugh weakly, a laugh that turned into a cough. Kelsey heard, and went to her side.  
  
"May the mop be with you, my friend."  
  
With that, Jenneva was loaded onto Glorfindel's horse. Aragorn went about the business of warning Glorfy about the wraiths, while Kelsey and Carolyn sobbed and waved handkerchiefs in farewell.  
  
"Have a safe journey. Don't pick up any hitchhikers. If you run out of gas, just-"  
  
Carolyn put a hand over Kelsey's mouth and kept waving her hanky, watching as Jenneva and Glorfindel rode off into the distance. 


	7. The Seduction Begins

Disclaimer: I own me, and that's all. Everyone else owns themselves except for LOTR characters who are, in fact, fictional.  
  
To my reviewers: I LOVE all of you SO MUCH!!!! I was stuck on an island with 24 other tenth graders and a pregnant woman and a Canadian for NINE DAYS!!!!!AAAAAAHHHHHHH.  
  
Chapter Seven  
  
Jenneva floated in and out of consciousness during the journey to Rivendell. She remembered odd looks from Glorfindel, which reminded her of a bad romance novel she had once read out loud with Kelsey and Carolyn. His eyes looked like they wanted to feast on her, and that was the kind of look that would have most women's hearts flopping around in their chests. But at the moment, Jenneva had a hole in her that wasn't supposed to be there, so maybe her heart had flopped its way out of her body. She didn't need anyone steeping themselves in her anyways. It would just lead to another stalker to be added to her lengthening list.  
  
"I hope Jenneva is okay," said Carolyn, worriedly.  
  
"She's fine, Carolyn. Stop worrying," said Kelsey, preoccupied with watching Arwen and Aragorn whisper sweet elvish nothings into each other's ears. Or that's what she imagined they were doing. Kelsey sighed, wondering if her matchmaking attempts with Glorfy and Jen were going okay. Jenneva being injured would only make her escort more tender....  
  
'I am a genius, Carolyn."  
  
"Yeah, okay."  
  
"So Carolyn, who should we set you up with?"  
  
"How about Legolas?" asked Carolyn.  
  
"YOU BITCH!!!! YOU KNOW HE'S MINE! IF YOU SO MUCH AS TOUCH HIM I'LL RIP YOUR EYES OUT AND SHOVE THEM SO FAR UP YOUR-"  
  
"Calm down, Kelsey," soothed Arwen, alarmed at the girl's sudden outburst, and unaware as to what had caused it.  
  
Kelsey took deep breaths, still glaring at Carolyn, who was trying not to laugh.  
  
Suddenly, Kelsey smirked.  
  
"I know, I'll set you up with GIMLI."  
  
"Ah! You cant do that, no fair!!" at this point, Carolyn knew the only way to get out of the situation was to get Kelsey laughing hysterically. She made a coughing sound, surprisingly similar to Gollum's, which caused Kelsey to wheeze with laughter. After about ten minutes of coughing sounds and wheezing laughter, Aragorn had had enough.  
  
"Okay, time to break camp."  
  
Kelsey and Carolyn looked at each other, then at Aragorn.  
  
"Yes, your majesty."  
  
Aragorn blushed, and mumbled something about him not being royalty, and Carolyn and Kelsey assured him they would do whatever he wanted.  
  
"I'll do anything you want, your majesty," said Kelsey.  
  
"ANYTHING," followed Carolyn (A/N: she really did write that, it's not mine)  
  
Aragorn blustered; panicking at the look Arwen was giving him.  
  
"I don't want your anything!" (Also Carolyn's)  
  
"Oh, I see," said Kelsey, looking at Carolyn.  
  
"HE"S GAY!" they squealed together.  
  
This caused more blustering from Aragorn, and a shake of the head from Arwen.  
  
"I assure you, ladies, he's not gay. Though I did notice some interesting looks between him and the prince of Mirk-"  
  
"AAHHHHHH! Don't you EVER imply that my hot sexy hot elven prince might me attracted to men! I still have a chance! I'll-"  
  
Carolyn clamped a hand over Kelsey's mouth as she was used to doing, and shrugged her shoulders at the surprised looks from A & A.  
  
"She's obsessed, what can I say?"  
  
Meanwhile, back with Glorfy and Jenneva.....  
  
Glorfindel dismounted, cradling Jenneva against his chest. Stablehands raced up to him, and one immediately ran off to get help when he noticed the state of the injured woman.  
  
Glorfindel carried her up to a room, and gently laid her on the bed. Seeing her lay there on the silken sheets made him think of what might happen there when she recovered....NO, I mustn't think like that....  
  
A/N: wuddya think, romance or no romance? I just read a really bad Nora Roberts so I've got plenty of material! Teehee. Review and say yay or nay to the seduction. (Yay means yes). Sorry so short, I just got back from my trip and am really tired and sunburned and riddled with mosquito bites. Ick. 


	8. He's tried Everything

Disclaimer: I own me, and that's all. Everyone else owns themselves except for LOTR characters who are, in fact, fictional.  
  
To my reviewers: I LOVE you SO MUCH!!!!. You guys make the world go round. Well, mine anyways. So here's the next chappie.  
  
Chapter Eight  
  
Jenneva awoke in a room that was completely white. White bedsheets, walls, furniture, everything was white.  
  
I'm dead. I've died, and now I'm in a strange place. Heaven, maybe?  
  
Jenneva's thoughts were interrupted by an old man walking into her room.  
  
"Gandalf?"  
  
"Ah, you know who I am, my child. I know who you are, as well. Your name is Jenneva. You arrived here with two friends, who I think are quite impatient to see you."  
  
As if on cue, Kelsey and Carolyn burst into the room. Looking around frantically, Kelsey's eyes landed on Jenneva.  
  
"My darling! You're alive!"  
  
Carolyn stuck out her leg and effectively tripped Kelsey, who was very eager to see her wounded friend.  
  
"How do you feel?" asked Carolyn calmly.  
  
Jenneva opened her mouth, but before she could speak Kelsey interrupted her.  
  
"She'll be just fine when she gets her music therapy!" With this, Kelsey whipped out her CD player and put the headphones on a stunned Jenneva. Hitting play, Kelsey waited avidly for a reaction.  
  
"No! There are plenty of good songs other than the monkey one! Change it! Change it NOW"  
  
Kelsey skipped to another song, ignoring Carolyn's attempts at conversation with Gandalf, both, the first of whom was ignoring Kelsey.  
  
"NO!! I've heard number eight WAY TO MANY TIMES!!! The rest of the songs on this CD are good, too! You should liten to them SOMETIME!!"  
  
Gandalf interceded here and kicked Kelsey out of the room so she wouldn't upset his patient anymore, much to Jenneva's relief Carolyn followed, to keep her friend out of trouble. Walking along, Carolyn made more attempts at conversation.  
  
"So where's Fabio?"  
  
"With Arwen. Hey, lets go spy on her and Aragorn!"  
  
But unfortunately for them, a passing Elrond heard this comment and intervened to keep his daughter from embarrassment.  
  
"Carolyn and Kelsey, I would like to speak with you."  
  
Carolyn and Kelsey looked at each other.  
  
"Sounds like Ms. Lakes. I'd like to see you in my office, young ladies. Now," whispered Carolyn.  
  
Kelsey shivered, remembering their last meeting with their principal.  
  
Elrond threw a glance back to them, suggesting silence with his raised eyebrows.  
  
"You know, Lord Elrond," Kelsey began, "You really should do something about those eyebrows-"  
  
Carolyn once again clamped her hand over Kelsey's mouth, giving a weak smile at Elrond who was looking back, now in annoyance.  
  
"Well, I've tried everything, but since I'm an elf they grow back overnight."  
  
This stunned Kelsey and Carolyn, and their jaws dropped. Kelsey recovered first, not giving Carolyn a chance to silence her.  
  
"Just like Harry Potter! (A/N: JK Rowling, duh) Could you be a wizard by any chance?"  
  
Elrond once again sent his rather large eyebrows towards the sky.  
  
"Guess that's a no," mumbled Kelsey.  
  
"Wizards have their own race, stupid!" hissed Carolyn. "You just called him a non-elf! Now he's probably pissed! This is great, just great! I'm stuck in Middle Earth with a twig and a lunatic!"  
  
Elrond cleared his throat, indicating silence, and opened the door to what appeared to be an office. Kelsey and Carolyn looked at each other, gulped, and slowly entered.  
  
PEOPLE: REVIEW AND SAY WHETHER OR NOT THERE SHOULD BE A CHEESY, UTTERLY HILARIOUS J/G ROMANCE! If no one reviews, then I flip a coin.  
  
A/N: Sorry so short, but I am still exhausted, sunburned and covered in bug bites. The best thing about being back, you ask? (Other than fanfic, of course) The shower, my precious. The shower. NEVER TAKE IT FOR GRANTED!!! 


	9. Lucky Number Nine

A/N: I FEEL LOVED! Reviewers need medals, or something. You all get big trophies with a ring on top. Except for Polly, who SLAPPED my back when I HAD A SUNBURN!!! Calms down I love the rest of you very, very much. In future chapters I think I shall thank you individually, so keep reviewing. Pretty please?  
  
Chapter Nine (Lucky Number Nine, Baby)  
  
After about an hour in Elrond's study, Kelsey and Carolyn emerged, their eyes glazed over with boredom.  
  
"Carolyn, he just spent an hour telling us that we somehow got transported to Middle Earth from our home world. Doesn't he think we've figured that out by now?!? No wonder the council of Elrond chapter is like 50 pages long in the book! The guy wont shut up!"  
  
"You'd think after thousands of years of existence he'd get tired of his own voice."  
  
Shaking their heads, the girls went to retrieve Fabio from Arwen. When they reached Arwen's rooms, however, there was a large group of women gathered there. Carolyn recognized them as elves, and wondered why there were so many.  
  
She and Kelsey pushed through the crowd to see what the commotion was about. When they reached the center of the group, all they saw was Arwen holding Fabio and talking to Aragorn. Stupefied, Kelsey went to retrieve her son.  
  
"Hey, Arwen, thanks for babysitting, your dad wanted to see us, and he just kept going, and going, and going, and going, like the energizer bunny. And going, and going, and going..."  
  
"Imagine what it was like for me when he gave me the 'birds and the bees' talk!"  
  
"Oh, you poor thing," Carolyn sympathized.  
  
"So what's with the audience?" whispered Kelsey to Arwen.  
  
"They think that Aragorn and I had a baby, but none of them are willing to chance being wrong and embarrassing themselves, so no one has asked about him," she whispered back.  
  
"Well then, I'll take him back and end that nonsense. Honestly, you and Aragorn?"  
  
With that, Kelsey scooped up Fabio and took Aragorn's arm, leading him off. Arwen laughed, as the chatter of the crowd grew to a loud roar.  
  
"Well that wasn't what I expected. There'll be no living with the rumors, now," laughed Arwen.  
  
Carolyn and Arwen headed off after the threesome, and met up with them a minute later. Kelsey relinquished Aragorn to Arwen, and they walked aimlessly. Carolyn asked many questions about the elves, and Arwen answered them as quickly as Carolyn asked them.  
  
About half an hour later, the group came upon a square, filled with hubbub because of many visitors arriving. Dwarves, elves and men were dismounting and looking about them. Kelsey froze when she saw her hot sexy hot elven prince. Her eyes were locked on his face, and she felt a blush creep up her face when he returned her gaze.  
  
Carolyn waved a hand in front of Kelsey's face, bringing her back to reality. Suddenly shy, Kelsey retreated into the corner. But hiding was impossible, because Fabio began to cry, bringing the attention of many of the visitors upon her. Arwen went to greet the guests, being as she was hostess. Kelsey could feel eyes on her back, but left before anyone could come over.  
  
Back in Jenneva's Room  
  
"Jenneva, I saw him. I thought I was getting over my obsession, but now its back, and its strengthened tenfold. And you know what's worse? When I saw him, I felt, and acted, SANE. I haven't been sane for over a year now! I don't know what to do."  
  
"I'd say, if you want to get over your little crush-okay, BIG crush-just get him into bed and you'll be over him."  
  
"But, but, but....how the hell am I gonna get a hot elven prince to sleep with me?"  
  
"I have a plan."  
  
Little did Jenneva know, she wasn't the only one with a plan. Kelsey's plans for Jenneva/Glorfindel and Carolyn/Gimli were beginning to form. And Carolyn had her own designs for Jenneva and Gimli, to end Kelsey's plans for her. And, Elrond himself had a plan to get all three of the girls paired up with a member of the fellowship.  
  
The plot was thickening, and it suited all of the conspirators just fine.  
  
At the council of Elrond:  
  
"Carolyn, how long have we been here?"  
  
"About three hours."  
  
"Why are we here, again?"  
  
"Because we know the fate of the ring and we can help. We can save Boromir, too."  
  
Jenneva shushed them, intent on making a good impression so Elrond would let them join the fellowship.  
  
Another hour later, people started to stand up and offer their weapons to Frodo. Jenneva shook Kelsey and Carolyn awake, both of whom were snoring loudly. All three stood up, Carolyn and Kelsey dazed and confused at what was happening.  
  
"You have my hairbrush," mumbled Carolyn, thinking herself in a dream.  
  
"And my baby," pronounced Kelsey, still oblivious to the situation.  
  
"And my razor sharp wit," added Jenneva.  
  
Jenneva expected Elrond to deny them entrance into the fellowship, but she didn't know of his plans. Merry, Pippin and Sam jumped out from bushes, and said that they were coming, too.  
  
Elrond pronounced that they were the fellowship of the ring, and Kelsey laughed at the banter between Merry and Pippin, and the question of "Where are we going?"  
  
What are Elrond's plans? Why does he care? Who will end up with who? Will Kelsey's match accept an electronic baby? Will Carolyn's make her wash her hair? Can Jenneva's cope with the long list of stalkers that she has acquired? Oh, sorry these past 3 chappies have been kinda weird and not as funny, 3 in one day, people. 3 in one day. REVIEW!!! 


	10. Girls can TOO Fight!

A/N: The hilarity begins  
  
Chapter Ten  
  
After setting out from Rivendell, there was almost no conversation. Kelsey was afraid of Legolas, Jenneva realized she was in the company of nine adult males, and Carolyn was contemplating life without her straightening iron. Kelsey was also disappointed that nothing had happened between Jenneva and Glorfindel. She had set up many rendezvous between the two, but nothing had happened. Since her first attempt had failed, Kelsey put her mind to hatching a foolproof plan.  
  
Upon reaching a high point which the girls recognized as where Sauramon's birdies flew around, the hobbits began swordplay lessons.  
  
"Hey, don't we get swords?" asked Carolyn.  
  
"Women cannot fight," spat Boromir.  
  
"Oh really?" the three asked, and charged.  
  
They brought down Boromir and pinned him. Jenneva sat on his chest, and Kelsey had her knees on his arms. Carolyn sat on his legs, and was smiling triumphantly.  
  
"Girls can't fight, huh? HUH?!? Stupid Jackass."  
  
Carolyn was about to go on, but Legolas yelled about the birds. The girls scrambled off of Boromir, and Kelsey realized in horror that Fabio was on the other side of the camp. She sprinted towards him, but Legolas reached him first. Grabbing Kelsey, he hid them under a low hanging cliff, their bodies pressed tightly to the back of the rock face.  
  
Kelsey could feel herself blush at his proximity, and once the birds were gone, rolled away from him as if he had burned her. She grabbed the baby carrier, and spotting Jenneva, ran over to her.  
  
"I touched him. Jenneva, I actually had physical contact with him! I think I'm going to faint."  
  
"Kelsey, I think you're getting a little TOO obsessed. I think it would be fairer to Legolas if you actually acted like your usual self. Don't hold back. Just let all of your love flow out."  
  
Jenneva wasn't trying to be completely evil, but she had begun to get bored and could use a little entertainment.  
  
Besides, I suffered enough with Glorfindel! She deserves a little embarrassment of her own.  
  
Kelsey, trusting Jenneva wholeheartedly, left Fabio with her and marched towards the prince of Mirkwood. Carolyn, who had been lecturing Boromir about the equality between men and women, spotted Kelsey and went to stop her.  
  
"Uh, Kelsey, what are you doing?"  
  
"I am going to profess my undying love to Legolas," she replied, starry eyed.  
  
"Uh, not a good idea, bubba."  
  
"Why not," asked a truly confused Kelsey.  
  
Carolyn put an arm around Kelsey's shoulders and led her away, talking of the wonders of subtly. (A/N: who decided to spell subtly like that? A moron, that's who. LOL, CAROLYN:: W, not a moron)  
  
My plan has been thwarted by that bitch! How dare she spoil my wonderful design! This means war!  
  
Sorry so short, fourth chapter in one day! I have the opposite of writer's block. And this chappie sets the mood (kinda, for the next few chapters).  
  
Rohanshieldbitch: BE PATIENT  
  
Blackbeltchick: BE PATIENT, lol, jk. You will come into my story soon. Just wait, you will wreak havoc!  
  
Breck: I LOVE YOU!!! And your story (Carolyn recommended it) kicks ass!  
  
OK, people. Less romance (thank god) and more humor. My phase for bad, horrible, cheesy, awful, terrible, dreadful, appalling, ghastly, horrific, and dire romances s OVER!! (don't you just LOVE synonyms!?) 


	11. A Big Enough Box

Pippinsgal011890: I am SO flattered! Out of curiosity, what was the first fanfic you kept reading? And all of the fellowship (including Pippin) will come more into the story. Hopefully I'll be able to keep updating fast (my computer is spastic), but I will continue to update ASAP. And Éowyn and Faramir are two young, seemingly healthy people in love. I assume they had children; it seems to be what happens when people get married, especially in Middle Earth. I'm not sure, though. THANK YOU SOOO MUCH!!  
  
Freak: thanks a bunch! I'll try to continue the humor (  
  
Rohanshieldbitch: why is it that you can review all you like and I can't for you? Hmmmmm....  
  
Blackbeltchick06: You'll come in soon; maybe you will be a babysitter....  
  
A/N: hopefully this chapter will be as funny as I hope. 25 reviews, baby!!  
  
Chapter 11  
  
Jenneva was rocking back and forth; planning the demise-or love lives, call it what you like- of her two friends. Suddenly she started laughing hysterically, bringing the attention of the group to her. Noticing this, she stood off, brushed herself off and went to put her plan into action.  
  
As she neared Carolyn and Kelsey, she started giggling feverishly again. Her two friends looked at her strangely, then ignored her and went back to their conversation. Reprimanding herself, Jenneva schooled her features and approached Carolyn and Kelsey. The former was still lecturing about subtly (A/N: there's that damn word again) to the latter, who was listening avidly. Jenneva decided to interrupt, lest the discussion hinder her plans for the naïve Kelsey.  
  
"Hey guys, we should make a plan for what things we're going to change, and when the group splits up, who goes with who.'  
  
"Well," started Carolyn, "we should definitely save Boromir."  
  
"But what if, since he's alive when he's supposed to be dead, he steals the ring from Frodo, and upsets the storyline of him being dead because he's alive. And since he's alive instead of dead, it'll mess things up with Denethor as well, because in that storyline he's dead also, not alive. And then what if Faramir goes to a different battle, because Borry is alive instead of dead, and then he dies. That's not very fair. And it might mess things up with Farry and Éowyn, and since Borry is dead instead of alive, he could fuck EVERYTHING UP!"  
  
All of this came from Kelsey, and was delivered to two dazed looking teenage girls.  
  
"Jenneva, did you understand any of that," asked Carolyn dazedly. She was dazed, after all.  
  
"Uhhhhh, no."  
  
"Okay, then. To put it in lamens (A/N: spelled wrong, of course) terms- haha, for once YOU guys are the lame-ens. What's a lamen? Why can't I spell it right? What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the only way to save our darling Borry is to make people think he's dead, but secretly we'd of captured him and kept him locked in a safe little box. That way, he could survive, but he wouldn't upset anything in the storyline."  
  
(A/N: GIANT cookie to whoever can tell me how to spell lamens correctly)  
  
"Kelsey, how do you expect three teenage girls to get Boromir, the big manly-man into a box!? It's like not possible!" yelled Carolyn.  
  
Boromir looked over, a mistrustful look on his face.  
  
"Why do you want to put me into a box?" he asked suspiciously.  
  
"Oh, no reason, really," explained Carolyn with a smile.  
  
Boromir would have followed up on the box issue, but Aragorn shouted for them to move on. The girls looked at each other, and followed the fellowship off of the plateau. About five minutes later, Kelsey ran back to grab her baby.  
  
"Lass, where's the boy's father?" asked Gimli bluntly when she returned.  
  
All other eight male members of the fellowship turned to Gimli and scolded him for his rudeness, making Kelsey giggle. The girls ignored her because they knew the baby had no father. Noticing her light attitude, the males stopped their scolding and listened attentively for her answer. Kelsey imagination started to run wild, and she ran with it.  
  
"His father was a Czar, from Russia. That's like a king. When it was discovered that my baby was male, we had to flee the country. His wife placed a bounty on my and Fabio's heads, so our lives have been fraught with danger. But we've done just fine, haven't we, darling?" How stupid are they, it's a plastic baby, cant they see that? Well, if they want to believe it's real, I guess I'll let them. No harm to me.  
  
Carolyn and Jenneva snickered at the story, and when they realized the men bought it, their snickers turned into outright laughter. Realizing the gullibility of the group, Carolyn took advantage of it.  
  
"Hey Pippin, Gandalf wrote 'gullible' in the sky with his staff."  
  
"Where?! I don't see anything." Merry and Sam joined him in his search of the skies, but the rest of the fellowship looked at them in amusement. Gandalf laughed and pointed his staff at the sky. Fireworks exploded, and the word 'gullible' was clearly visible against the clouds.  
  
"There it is, I found it!" yelled Merry.  
  
"No, I saw it first!" countered Pippin. They shouted at each other another few minutes before Pippin miraculously stopped.  
  
"Merry, I'm hungry."  
  
The entire group burst into laughter, and continued walking along.  
  
"Carolyn, where are we going," asked Jenneva. We may be at war, but that doesn't mean I can't ask them questions. I need to know these kind f things.  
  
"Well, while Kelsey was planning to put Boromir in a box, we must have missed the conversation deciding to go on the mountain."  
  
"Oh, well, are we going to put Boromir in a box when the time comes, then?"  
  
"You betya, now we just need to find a big enough box..." 


	12. May the Matchmaking Commence

A/N: REVIEWERS ROCK! I love you guys so much! If you haven't noticed, the chapters lately have been shorter, unless it's just my imagination. Shorter chapters mean quicker updates, though!  
  
Breck: Sorry my dear, I left you out of the reviewer recognition last time. You didn't review for chapter ten, so it messed me up. LOVE YOU SOOOOO much! Tank oo.  
  
Maribelle: mwahaha we shall have to see this box, and decide if Carolyn will let him be chopped into bits! thanx for the review (  
  
galadrielady945: Feel free to email me anytime, and I'll continue letting me know when I update if u want. Thanx for the feedback, I lurv it!  
  
Chapter 12 (A/N: Number of people in the fellowship in my story)  
  
"I'm gonna freeze my ass off! Who's bright idea was it to go up the fucking mountain!?!"  
  
"Calm down, Kelsey. It's probably ten times worse for Jenneva, she doesn't have any body fat to keep her warm. Stupid stick...." Mumbled Carolyn to herself. Or so she thought.  
  
"I heard that!!!"  
  
"How did she hear that?" asked Kelsey. "All I can hear is some inane man babbling gibberish."  
  
Legolas yelled back that there was a fell voice on the wind, or whatever it was. Gandalf replied that it was Saruman, trying to bring down the mountain upon them, or whatever it was. The girls knew what would happen next, and threw themselves against the side of the mountain. When the fellowship just looked at them in confusion, the three motioned for them to move against the wall. At that moment, a mini avalanche occurred, burying the fellowship. Kelsey, Jenneva and Carolyn waited to be rescued by big burly males.  
  
Carolyn was the first to be jerked upwards, by Boromir. Next was Jenneva by saved Gimli, and finally Kelsey by Legolas. Kelsey fought the urge to wrap her arms around him and never let go. The struggle not to do this forced her to go rigid. When she didn't move, even after her hot sexy hot elven prince had released her, Jenneva walked over to her and slapped her across the face. Still no reaction.  
  
Carolyn scooped up a handful of snow and stuck it down Kelsey's back.  
  
"What the hell?" she asked. But Jenneva knew what to do. She walked over to the baby carrier, which had been retrieved by Aragorn, and picked up Fabio. Grinning evilly, she tipped the head back.  
  
Kelsey snapped out of her trance, and shivered at the difference between the heat on one side of her face and the ice cold down her back. Following the sound of her baby's cry, she ran over to Jenneva.  
  
"You fucking bitch! Oh, my poor baby! She didn't hurt you, did she?"  
  
"Calm down Kelsey, he's fine," said a smug Jenneva.  
  
She turned to the fellowship to suggest they move on to the mines, but they were all either glaring at her or shocked out of their socks. (A/N: do people in ME wear socks?)  
  
"What did you do to the baby?"  
  
"You didn't have to hurt the wee one!"  
  
"I never thought you'd harm a child."  
  
Accusation flew like shooting stars, and Jenneva was taken aback before she remembered the fellowship still thought Fabio was a real baby.  
  
"He's fine, all I did was...put a little snow on him but it's off now so he's okay."  
  
Aragorn was the first to speak. "I think that Kelsey and her child should have some protection. Legolas, I appoint you their guard. Kelsey looked up from Fabio with a deer-in-the-headlights look.  
  
I can't handle that! I'll end up molesting him, and then he'll never love me!  
  
"But, but, I, but, umm, but, uh, no, I, shit, wait, ummm, shit!" was her clever response.  
  
"It's settled, then. And I think Carolyn and Jenneva need protectors as well."  
  
"Well if you would give us some fucking knives we wouldn't need them! But no, girls can't fight, we're too delicate and fragile. Well news flash, buddy! We wont shatter if you drop us! We could fight just as well as you if you'd give us a fucking chance!" Carolyn was seething mad.  
  
"Yes well, that's beside the point," said Aragorn, ignoring Carolyn's outburst. "Gimli, you are in charge of the safety of Jenneva, and Boromir, you get Carolyn."  
  
May the valar be with you,, my friend!  
  
Now came the conversation of whether to go under the mountain or risk the freezing cold snow, high speed winds, dangerous sorcerers, spying pigeons, and the long fall down. As you probably know (and should know) is that Frodo chose to go under the mountain, through the mines of Moria.  
  
Cynical Kelsey: Great, now we have to face goblins or orcs or whatever, a balrog, a cave troll, flying arrows of death, doom and destruction, plus falling stairs and numerous other dangers.  
  
Optimistic Kelsey: But we get to get our ass out of the cold. It's getting frozen off, as we speak.  
  
Cynical Kelsey: But Rachel always said we don't have an ass. If there isn't one there, how can it get frozen off? And a lake-monster thing. That's yet another danger.  
  
Optimistic Kelsey: Aw, c'mon, it won't be that bad. And everyone except for Gandalf survives. And he comes back, anyways.  
  
Cynical Jenneva: Yeah, but what will the fellowship do when he dies? They know we know that Gandalf dies. And since they don't know what we know, they don't know he comes back. And because we know they know we know about Gandalf, we can't even play like we don't know what they know we know about Gandalf. We're screwed, ya know?  
  
Optimistic Carolyn: Can you repeat that, I came in on the middle of the conversation.  
  
Cynical Jenneva: Well, I was saying that-  
  
Cynical Kelsey: She was saying that the fellowship will be pissed when we don't save Gandalf.  
  
Optimistic Carolyn: But he comes back.  
  
Cynical Jenneva: But they don't know that. And since they know that we know what'll happen, they will blame us for not saving him.  
  
Cynical Carolyn: Oh. Shit.  
  
Cynical Kelsey: How did you guys get in here?  
  
Cynical Jenneva: Uh, in where, we're not in anywhere, are we Carolyn?  
  
Cynical Carolyn: Nope, not in anywhere.  
  
Optimistic Kelsey: Okay, then. Hey guys, let meet up tomorrow and discuss how to get Borry in a box, okay?  
  
Optimistic Jenneva and Carolyn: Okay  
  
Cynical Jenneva and Carolyn: Why wait till tomorrow? You got something to hide?  
  
Cynical Kelsey: My head is starting to hurt.  
  
Cynical Jenneva: You don't have to make up an excuse, just say no. Jeez. 


	13. Igpay Atinlay

A/N: Okay, people, I had just finished this chappie and saved it, when the fucking power went out! I haven't had power in four hours! I had my chapter here, ready to go, and COULDN'T UPLOAD IT!! It was torture! But here it is, my loves.  
  
Sue H: I'm really sorry I left you out last time, I updated before I got your review then I went on to the next chapter, I didn't mean to forget you! You get a big giant sized cookie. With chocolate. And sprinkles. ( Thanx for reviewing, and sorry!  
  
Breck: Bows I try to update asap, and I've been writing like a maniac lately. Boromir will come into the story more, hopefully soon. Sorry to confuse you about the whole cynical/optimistic people thing, I went crazy fo awhile and was having conversations with myself, so I figured I'd tie it into my story (. PS. whispers if you can type a review, then you're not illiterate!  
  
Pippinsgal011890: Lol, if I've been accurate it's because I'm being very vague! If I don't include details, then they cant be the wrong details...Thanx for the spelling advise, I'm not vary good at it. (. good luck with your story!  
  
Animegoddess177: tank oo very much! I love getting reviews (especially good ones!)  
  
Rohanshieldbitch (aka Carolyn): You spelled Boromir wrong. Just so you know. In case you didn't, now you do. FINE, you can have three bitches!!! And seriously, me more beautiful and talented than you!? Bullshit. More special, yes, but that's not necessarily a good thing! Still working on those sunglasses....  
  
Polly: Thank you very much for apologizing about hitting my sunburn, no hard feelings. I was just a little pissed off you didn't say sorry. But now you did, so we're all good! I never skip over reviews (I love them way too much!), and you may be a jackass, but you'll always have your naked maid. (jk bout the jackass thing (.)  
  
A/N: I'm sick, I had to clean my garage today and it's storming, so if this chapter sucks, it NOT MY FAULT!!  
  
Chapter Thirteen  
  
The fellowship was now under the mountain, at the gateway into Moria. Gandalf was trying various words in elvish to make the door open, but none of them were working. Kelsey, bored, and noticing the enticing water, began to form a plan. (A/N: if you haven't guessed by now, our three girls are meticulous planners)  
  
You see, Carolyn never got her hair wet. On the rare occasion that she did, she locked herself in a room with her straightening iron and didn't come out for hours. Well, right now she was next to a good sized body of water, and she didn't have her blessed iron with her. Kelsey smiled menacingly, and approached Carolyn, being careful to hide her smirk from her victim.  
  
"Hey Carolyn, I found a petosky stone! Come look!"  
  
Carolyn zipped over to the water's edge, looking frantically.  
  
"Where? I don't see a-"  
  
Carolyn never finished her sentence. She was shoved into the clear, cool water, and it was impossible to save her hair. Water splashed over her head. She emerged, spluttering, and looking like an indignant wet cat. Kelsey started laughing hysterically, causing Jenneva to look her way. Seeing Carolyn soaked and bristling sent Jenneva into gales of laughter as well. Carolyn stalked towards Kelsey with a look that could kill.  
  
Kelsey, realizing Carolyn was going to cause her great bodily harm, sprinted towards Gandalf and the doorway. She looked back, and she was sure Carolyn was going to kill her.  
  
"Bella, Mellon, Bellon, Bologna, Balloon, Muffin, how do you say 'friend' in elvish!?"  
  
Carolyn was closing in, and Kelsey started to panic. Gandalf pronounced the word correctly, causing the door to open. Kelsey grabbed Fabio and started to walk in. Jenneva stopped her.  
  
"Wait. Don't go in yet. Girls, gather for a powwow. Sorry Carolyn, we can continue this later. Girls, we can't go in until the lake monster thing comes, other wise the guys will freak out and leave. Remember, it's only the monster that makes them go through the mines."  
  
Luckily for the girls, they were spared explaining their actions, as the lake monster chose that moment to make a grab for Frodo. Aragorn handled the situation, saved Frodo, and they all headed into the mines. It was completely dark, and the monster crushed the door, trapping them in the mines. Kelsey was standing there, wondering why she felt she'd forgotten something, when she suddenly remembered.  
  
"Fabio! I left him, I've got to-"  
  
"I've got him, don't worry," said Legolas.  
  
"Oh, thank god. I can't believe I forgot him! Good thing you remembered."  
  
"No thanks are in order."  
  
"Yeah, okay."  
  
"Kelsey, I'm going to kill you as soon as Gandalf gets his staff to light up."  
  
"Oh c'mon, Carolyn, it was just a joke..."  
  
Silence. "Gandalf, are you done with that light yet?"  
  
"No, we don't need a light, we'll be just fine," said Kelsey nervously, but just then the light appeared. Carolyn spotted Kelsey and lunged towards her.  
  
Kelsey screamed and ducked behind Legolas. Carolyn was in full charge of the situation.  
  
"Kelsey, come out from there or I'll tell on you."  
  
"What do you mean, tell on me?"  
  
"I ill-way ell-tay oar-yay ot-hay ince-pray at-thay oo-yay ove-lay im-hay!" I will tell your hot prince that you love him-pig latin  
  
"O-nay, o-nay! Ease-play?" No, no! Please?  
  
"Ome-kay out or I ill-way" Come out or I will  
  
A pouting Kelsey crept out behind Legolas, but changed her mind upon seeing Carolyn's murderous look. She spun behind Legolas and clung tightly to his waist.  
  
"Never mind, tell him, I want to live! I'm too young to die!"  
  
"Alright then, Kelsey. You had a choice, remember that. Legolas, I have something to tell you. Kelsey is madly in love with you."  
  
Legolas looked at Carolyn, then at the girl clinging to his torso. When he didn't say anything, Carolyn elaborated.  
  
"She wants to have your babies and darn your socks and knit sweaters for you."  
  
Still silence. "Well, aren't you going to say anything?!" asked an irritated Carolyn. Her revenge wasn't as sweet as she thought it would be.  
  
"Well, um, I, well, you see, I, um, to tell the truth, I.....I'm quite in need of a friend right now, and, so, well, would you be willing to be my friend, nothing more?" he asked Kelsey, nervously. If she became angry, like a woman scorned (Which is what she was), he would have to live with it and continue to protect her. It would be much more pleasant to take care of her if they were on good terms.  
  
Dun, dun, DUN!! What will Kelsey say? Will her heart be torn to shreds by Carolyn's evil plotting? Will she be able to be friends with her hot sexy hot elven prince? Find out next time, on...I'm outta gas, you know the rest. 


	14. Explosive Flatulence

Sue H: Mwahahaha, I WILL seduce him and he shall be my sexy hot sexy elven prince for ever and ever and always! Thanx for the review!  
  
Shadow Faerie of Twilight: Thanx for the reviews! Hopefully you wont be saddled with a baby for school. Though I fell in love with mine and miss him terribly.... But I've resurrected him for my story, so its all good. Thanx a bunch! And I LOVE legendaryfrog, it is the source of many a joke between me and my friends (  
  
Pippinsgal011890: Darning socks is fun, your friends should try it sometime! As always, I'll update asap! Thanx for your continued support and reviews, I really appreciate it!  
  
Rohanshieldbitch: WHAT? IF I don't get a makeout scene with Legolas you don't get 3 bitches!!! Ve dormir con el Diablo! (Any Spanish speakers forgive the bad grammar)  
  
Bosie: A little heterosexual meaning he need to be more gay?....Review and clarify, please ( Hope your enjoying it (.  
  
Dawn: Buckets of thanx! I will definitely keep writing, and awesome reviews like yours keep me going!  
  
blackbeltchick06: ...Damn prophetess...attack is going well, I empathize about the nails, I broke mine off like 3 hours after I got them done the first time!  
  
Chapter Fourteen (A/N: Wow, 14 chappies already? Damn)  
  
Kelsey looked at Legolas, her mind plotting. If she was friends with him now, she could seduce him later! It was a foolproof plan. (A/N: poor, delusional Kelsey)  
  
"Okay, friends?" she asked, holding out her hand for a handshake. Legolas, confused, took her hand and kissed it.  
  
Kelsey giggled and told him "No, you shake it, silly." She showed him how to shake hands, solidifying their bond.  
  
Gandalf then remembered which tunnel to take to Moria.  
  
"He's remembered!" said Pippin/Merry (A/N: cookie to who tells me which!)  
  
"No, the air smells less foul down there. When in doubt, follow your nose."  
  
"Oh my god, he's toucan sam! Can I have some fruit loops?" asked Carolyn.  
  
Kelsey and Jenneva looked at each other, then at Carolyn.  
  
"Okay, where have you hidden the caffeine and how much did you have?" asked Jenneva crossly.  
  
"Well, there was a pop in Kelsey's lunch. And I gave some of the chocolate in her purse to Merry-"  
  
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Kelsey startled everyone by cackling insanely. "WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" This went on for about 5 minutes before she was able to speak at all. Tears were streaming down Kelsey's face, and she was gasping for breath.  
  
"That....chocolate.....was......a..........LAXATIVE!!!!"  
  
"What?!" asked Carolyn, her eyes wide in horror.  
  
Jenneva was now in a helpless laugh fest with Kelsey. Having another person laugh with her only made Kelsey laugh harder. The males in the group were looking at each other in confusion. Carolyn seemed to be the only sane one (for the moment) so they chose to ask her.  
  
"Carolyn, what is a laxative?"  
  
Carolyn, the reality of the situation hitting her, began to cry.  
  
"It.....makes.....you....have to.....poop....a LOT! Oh, shit, there's NO TOILETS HERE!! I'm sorry, Merry!"  
  
This revelation of Carolyn's made Kelsey and Jenneva laugh harder, if that was possible. The males shifted their weight uncomfortably, and Gandalf spoke up first.  
  
"We should be moving on, now. This place isn't safe."  
  
The girls got up, stumbling, tears streaming down all of their faces for different reasons. Carolyn felt horribly guilty. The group moved on, and the girls quieted down, Carolyn still sobbing silently. They came upon the giant tall room, and Gimli ran off to find his cousin, or some such nonsense.  
  
Kelsey looked up at the high ceiling, and said, "Do you think the dwarves are compensating for something?"  
  
Jenneva laughed, and Carolyn gave a puff that was assumed to be laughter. The rest of the fellowship didn't get it. Kelsey, high on her own adrenaline and endorphins from laughing, blatantly explained the joke.  
  
"It is said that when a builds a really big or tall house it's to compensate for shortcomings elsewhere... You know where, think dirty! Since the dwarves built a tall room....."  
  
The males chuckled and followed after Gimli. They found him crying in front of a stone coffin. Kelsey went to him and patted him on the back. Not knowing what else to do, she walked over to the well where Pippin knocks over the armor.  
  
Aha, I shall stand guard! Gandalf won't have to die if the orcs aren't alerted!  
  
Jenneva joined her, and getting the idea of what was going on, helped patrol their quadrant. Which was like 4 feet. So it didn't take long to patrol, and the girls got dizzy. They stopped and sat down, still guarding the well.  
  
Gandalf was reading out of the dwarf logbook or whatever it was, and the time came where Pippin was going to knock over the armor. He drifted over to the well, but the girls spotted him. They charged him, and like football players, carried him across the room, away from the well. Satisfied, they dusted off their hands and did a high-five.  
  
Just then, the silence was shattered by the biggest fart ever uttered in Middle Earth. Everyone turned to look at Merry, who was blushing like a beet.  
  
"It was her fault!" he pointed at Carolyn. "She fed me the chocolate!"  
  
"It wasn't chocolate, it was choco-lax, and I didn't mean to feed it to you! I didn't know it was a laxative! And I'm really really sorry!"  
  
"Fool of a Brandybuck! Next time spontaneously combust and rid us of your stupidity, you..."  
  
Gandalf would have continued, but he had passed out. The rest of the fellowship slowly dropped like flies, until Merry was the only one standing.  
  
"Well this isn't very good!"  
  
Merry heard the drums, and knew he was doomed. What was he going to do? Suddenly, inspiration hit him. The hobbit walked towards the door, wafting the foul air towards the entranceway. He heard orcs stop at the door, then a sound of disgust. Footsteps got fainter and fainter, as did the drums.  
  
"YES!" shouted Merry in victory, waking up the fellowship.  
  
"What happened," asked Kelsey groggily. She had been grogged, after all.  
  
"I just chased off the orcs. Lets go!"  
  
"Gandalf, lead us to the bridge of abra-kadabra-kaza-doom!" yelled Carolyn, happy that Gandalf probably wouldn't need to die now.  
  
They all ran after Gandalf, and Kelsey, for once, remembered Fabio. They were running, when they came to the point where in the movie the fellowship meets the balrog. But no balrog. But unfortunately, one appeared a second later. Fabio had begun to scream, because her need a new diaper. While Kelsey tended to her child, the son of a czar (wink, wink), the sleeping balrog woke.  
  
The balrog came running towards the fellowship, and skidded to a halt right in front of them.  
  
"Hey, have you guys seen a little balrog, about this high puts claw to about waist level, fiery, red, evil little tyke?"  
  
The fellowship gawked in silence until Kelsey, fixing Fabio, spoke up.  
  
"Nope, haven't seen him, sorry."  
  
"Funny, I could have sworn he was crying, but now it's stopped..."  
  
Kelsey realizing what was happening, tried to avoid the inevitable.  
  
"Uh, we'll help you look for him! We'll go towards the bridge of krazabamboo and you go that way."  
  
Will the balrog be stupid enough to accept the proposal? What will Carolyn do without a toilet? Why did kelsey have a laxative in her purse? Maybe, if you review I'll tell you! 


	15. What's the Password?

A/N: I was really depressed after chappie 14 (don't know why, must be raging hormones). So I acquired a new fetish t brighten my mood. I am wearing a pair of batting gloves pretty much 24/7 now. So if there are more typos than usual, now you know why. Oh, and I realized I haven't been putting disclaimers on my chapters. See chapter one. I don't own any of this. As if you couldn't figure that out for yourself...XD  
  
Sue H: Kelsey had laxative in her purse just in case...She is always prepared, which causes some problems when she goes on trips (BRINGS TOO MUCH CRAP, JUST IN CASE...)  
  
In the Depp End: Cookie for you! Thank you, o so much, my first reviewer!!!  
  
Karly: This all comes from my mind. Scary, no? Thanks for the awesome review!  
  
Maidens-of-the-Dragon's-Zodiac: I love legendaryfrog! It rocks! And I'm happy to know other people know about it because I love it so much!  
  
Breck: cringes in submission More Boromir in here, and he will definitely come into play more soon. Thanks for the support!  
  
blackbeltchick06: we need to start planning for the Fellowship of the Rowling. How will we kill the evil one, how?  
  
Rohanshieldbitch: You'll just lurv this next chapter, your hair has a....big...role! And you've always been a cry baby! lol, jk  
  
I think I may have missed a reviewer....review and yell at me if I did! Sorry, my computer is fucked up.  
  
Chapter Fifteen  
  
The balrog looked at Kelsey suspiciously.  
  
"Uuhhhhh, no!"  
  
And with that, the balrog started to chase them. Gandalf was able to maneuver the chase towards the bridge of abra-kadabra-boom, and the scene progressed as it did in the movie. They all ran, and jumped a gap in the bridge. Gimli complained about not tossing him, and his beard being tugged on, but all made it safely across except for Jenneva, Frodo and Aragorn. They were ready to cross when the stair started to break. Jenneva screeched, and leaned forwards for all she was worth. Which wasn't much, seeing as how she was tiny. Aragorn and Frodo joined her, and the stair crashed into the one their companions were on. They leaped across, and the stair they had been on but weren't on anymore crashed into the abyss below.  
  
"Whooo, baby! That was a ride!" yelled Jenneva.  
  
The group continued to run, and the balrog continued to chase them. Finally, it came time for Gandalf to stand up against the fearsome beast.  
  
"You shall not pass!" He yelled, slamming his staff into the stone floor.  
  
The balrog cocked his head.  
  
"Okay, is the password.....Orc?"  
  
"No," replied Gandalf steadily.  
  
"Umm, how about goblin?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Dwarf, man, elf, ent?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Well I give up, I'll just kill you and eat the others."  
  
The balrog stalked forward, looking menacing, and Gandalf began to battle with him. (A/N: him? It? Her? Does it have a gender? Cookie to who gives me their opinion...)  
  
"It was probably hobbit," whispered Carolyn to Boromir, who was holding her close. He was her protector, after all.  
  
"Very clever, my lady. Very clever, indeed."  
  
Boromir is giving me a funny look....I think I like it, too...  
  
Gandalf finished the little battle, and turned away. Jenneva opened her mouth to warn him about the fiery whip that burned with the fires of a thousand evils (LF), but Kelsey clamped a hand over her mouth.  
  
"If we change this now, there could be dire consequences. Just let things happen like they did in the movie."  
  
The whip flicked up and wrapped around Gandalf's ankle. He was pulled down until he was hanging onto the ledge by his arms.  
  
"Fly, you fools!" he hissed and was gone.  
  
"Man, I wish I could fly," said Carolyn, the caffeine once again affecting her brain.  
  
Frodo was dragged, kicking and screaming, out of the mines. The rest of the group followed dejectedly. The hobbits collapsed onto the rocky ground outside, and Boromir held his head in his hands, seemingly in defeat. Legolas and Aragorn paced, not showing much emotion. Carolyn had sobered up and now wore a grim face. Kelsey was outright crying, and Jenneva was near tears herself.  
  
"You guys," whispered Carolyn, "He comes back. Why are we so sad?"  
  
"Because.....he...was...our friend! And...his death...is...causing....them.....pain!"  
  
Kelsey was about to continue when she was body slammed from behind. She hit the stony ground with an undignified 'oomf!' and felt fists pummel her back.  
  
"You knew what would happen! You knew he would fall, and you didn't save him! You killed him! It's all your fault!"  
  
Kelsey took the abuse, sobbing from grief, not pain.  
  
"I'm sorry, Frodo. I'm sorry!"  
  
Jenneva pulled Frodo into a hug and let him sob against her, trying to soothe him.  
  
A minute later Aragorn called them. It was time to move again. Jenneva got up and pulled Frodo with her. When he stood on his own, she went to Kelsey's purse. She pulled out a Polaroid camera and took a few snapshots of Carolyn. She tucked the photos in the baby carrier for later, when they weren't depressed.  
  
The group headed on, no one speaking. Bored, and comforted by the fact that Gandalf would come back, Kelsey started humming a song. Jenneva joined in, and so did Carolyn.  
  
A minute later, the three girls were belting out the chorus, in harmony.  
  
"Say goodbye to Sally And goodbye to Sue! OOOOOHHHH, Rio!"  
  
Suddenly, three were a bunch of arrows pointed at them. Kelsey looked around and noticed they were in the woods. Gimli trailed off whatever he was saying, making Haldir smirk. The girls all recognized him; they had cried their eyes out when he died in the movie.  
  
Carolyn suddenly remembered that her hair had gotten wet, and imagined how she must look now. She squeaked and pulled a branch on top of her head. An elf squinted at her head and yelled.,  
  
"There's something attacking her! It leaped out of the branch and is eating her head!"  
  
Carolyn was used to this kind of remark, so she let the branch go. The elves gasped and a few let loose arrows. Carolyn looked absolutely ridiculous. She now had an afro with several arrows sticking out of it. Jenneva grabbed the Polaroid and snapped some photos.  
  
She crossed her arms and said crossly, "That's my hair, you twits! Now bring us to Galadriel so I can have a hot bath and some food. Then we'll go for the liquor."  
  
A/N: I don't own Oh, Rio, it's a song the guys sang at my school and SUCKED at! And I don't own Polaroid, either. Where'd they get that name from, anyway... 


	16. Mental Advice

A/N: Does anyone even read what I write up here? If anyone does read it, can you review and tell me that, otherwise I wont bother with it. Disclaimer, chapter one. Oh, and you might want to check out my bud rohanshieldbitch's stories, both are funny.  
  
Polly: Kelsey has a laxative in her purse because she has EVRYTHING-she is always prepared. Which is why she had so much luggage on the survey trip. Mwahahaha, make sure your eyes don't fall out! Weird chapter ahead.  
  
RohanShieldBitch: Thanks for the congrats, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU POSTED ANUTTER STORY!!!??? And c'mon, everyone bawled their eyes out! At least admit to tears welling up in your eyes. Plus, this is called fanFICTION, I don't actually carry a laxative in my purse, its FICTION...  
  
Dragonflytwilight: Thanx, I'll tell Jenneva XD  
  
Breck: Yay, politeness! Jk, you know I love you :P. No one wants to miss a sleepy retarded Frodo word! 'Specially one as weird as Gyand-ulf!!  
  
Shadow Faerie of Twilight: Sorry, didn't mean to forget you! I copy and paste my reviews, and I went too fast and it didn't do yours. I'll be more careful from now on, Sorry!(In bold to get recognition from others)Am I forgiven..sniff sniff..  
  
blackbeltchick06: hands cookie Do you know what bbc stands for, my dear? British broadcasting company/channel or something like that. I copy and paste names anyway, so length doesn't matter. Besides, there are others with longer names.... (mwahaha, pun intended, if it shows up...)  
  
hobbitlurver(aka freak): thanx! packs bags and runs away, is wanted in five states now for accidental manslaughter  
  
Chapter Sixteen (My age, yay!)  
  
As the group walked silently after the Lothlorien elves, Carolyn was studying their hair intently. If only she could manage to get it that straight and silky...  
  
Your hair fits your character. Do not try to transform it into something it is not.  
  
"Great, now i'm in a league with Kelsey. Hearing voices in my head. What's next? Carrying laxative in my purse? Carrying anything I might need EVER in my lifetime in my purse?"  
  
"Carolyn, stop mumbling to yourself, you sound like Kelsey," snapped Jenneva.  
  
"Calm down, girls. Lets just get to the liquor and all will be better."  
  
You carry a heavy burden. A child, as well as the care for your companions. Do not let it tame you.  
  
"Hmm, is that Fred or Sally? Or Karl? Voice, what name have I given you?"  
  
No answer.  
  
"Hello? Hmm, they usually answer back.."  
  
"Kelsey, cut it out!" Jenneva wailed.  
  
You are weary. Do not let your fear punish you or your companions. Sad Carolyn: Mental gathering, girls.  
  
Sad Kelsey and Jenneva: What?  
  
S.C: Did you guys hear a voice in your head, giving you advice?  
  
S.J: Yes.  
  
S.K: NO more than usual...  
  
S.C: She told me not to change my hair.  
  
S.J: She told me not to take out my fear on you guys.  
  
S.K: Well, one says go jump off a waterfall, but I never listen to Fred. Sally says time to eat, I listen to her when I'm hungry, but otherwise I ignore her. And Karl says breathe, and I usually obey him, unless I'm feeling peevish, then I don't, but I always fall asleep....  
  
S.C: Never mind.  
  
It is not nice to repeat a private conversation.  
  
Philosophical Kelsey: But how do we know you didn't tell anyone? Since we didn't know whether or not you had, we were entitled to form our own opinion, and since we don't have much faith in people these days, we assumed the worst. So it's not our fault the world we live in-usually- is corrupt. Sorry if we offended you.  
  
S.C: How can you be philosophical at a time like this?  
  
The mental contact was broken by all three girls getting tired from climbing a rather lot of stairs. They finally reached the top, huffing and puffing, and saw the lady they had been conversing with. Awed by her presence, none spoke a word. Well, one was spoken.  
  
"Damn," whispered Jenneva. She was actually glowing. Weird....  
  
Celebron (A/N: Spelling?) started talking, but no one was listening. Everyone's eyes were riveted on the Lady of the Wood.  
  
"Blah, blah, blah, blah, tell me, where is Gandalf?"  
  
"He fell."  
  
"Into a pit of death, doom and destruction," added Kelsey solemnly.  
  
Only Celebron (A/N: review and tell spelling...cookie....) heard her, for each member of the fellowship was getting a personal greeting from Galadriel. She spoke, after a minute.  
  
"The quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little, and you will fail. Too the doom of all of Middle Earth." (A/N: Something like that)  
  
The group was led away to a sleeping area, with beds. Real beds. With sheets and blankest. And a pillow. Ah, Jenneva remembered what a pillow was. Not what was it used for, again? Sleeping, that was it.  
  
"Okay, guys," said Kelsey decisively. "Let's get drunk."  
  
The girls headed for what appeared to be an eating area. There was no one present, so they snuck into the kitchen. Again, no one was there. Looking around, the girls spotted some barrels.  
  
Flour.  
  
They continued to look, and found some more barrels.  
  
Oil. Damnit.  
  
Galadriel, a little help, perhaps? Thought Carolyn, really hard.  
  
There's no need to shout. To your left is a door leading to a cellar. Try the barrel marked with a G, it's my personal stock, aged 16 years. The same as you.  
  
Thanks. She thought, trying not to shout. How did you mentally shout, anyway?...  
  
The girls headed down to the cellar, and screamed when they found the dark room already inhabited.  
  
Who is the stranger? Will he stop them from drowning their sorrows? Why would Galadriel help the girls get drunk? Review and I'll tell...if you ask! 


	17. Outercourse?

A/N: WARNING: Drinking and slightly sexual activities and implications. Oh, and the lines you recognize from Carrots of the Pirabbean are from Pirates of the Caribbean. I can type, really i can. I'm not as think as you drunk i am :P

nienna-yavetil: Thankee very much! ahh, physcic!! You can see all the scary thoughts going on in my head. The goings on in my story are only the tip of the iceberg....LEGOLAS!!!!pulls hot sexy hot elven prince out of computer screen and starts molesting him....mwahahaha!! Thanks thanks thanks!!

BBC: (As per request) Galdadriel needs to get her kicks wherever she can...And yes, i'm looking for Celeborn, i seem to have lost him somewhere, have you seen him?

Maidens-of-the-Dragon's-Zodiac:Thanks for the elvish etymology lesson.

Polly: uhhhh, NO! jk :)

rohanshieldbitch: iff you dont know what i was getting at with the hair comment you dont deserve to know!!

VAMPIREKAT69: Thanks

Animegoddess177: i don't know if i'm gonna keep going, depends on what you guys (the readers) want. Thanks for the encouragement:).

Chapter Seventeen  
  
"AHHHHH!" screamed Carolyn, until a hand clamped over her mouth.  
  
"Shhhh, its just me, Boromir. Calm down."  
  
Carolyn nodded, and she was released. Boromir went over to a lantern and turned it up.  
  
Kelsey and Jenneva were standing there, shocked. They had been so scared they hadn't even screamed. The still weren't moving, so Carolyn slapped them both across the face.  
  
"Hey! What was that for?"  
  
"You guys were statues. No c'mon, time to get rip-roaring drunk," explained Carolyn. She walked over to a barrel and recognized the elvish sign for G. "This is the one Galadriel was telling us about."  
  
"How can you tell?" asked Jenneva.  
  
"I recognize the 'G' from the book, the part where Gandalf leaves his sign on a rock at Weathertop or something."  
  
"Oh. Well, crack it open."  
  
A minute later, all four sat around a table with a glass of wine.  
  
"To Gandalf," said Carolyn.  
  
"To Gandalf," repeated Jenneva.  
  
"To world peace," said Kelsey.  
  
"To Gondor," whispered Boromir.  
  
All four drank deeply. The wine wasn't particularly strong, so a minute later all glasses were empty. Boromir was dubbed the drink re-filler, and he was good at his job. Within an hour, the four friend all had nicknames for each other.  
  
"Borry, why is yer daddy so mean to yer baby bruther?" slurred Carolyn.  
  
"I dunno, Harry."  
  
"I told you not to call me Harry."  
  
"Well, if da shoe fits," said Kelsey.  
  
"Hen, you need to nuncee-....eenuncee---speak clearer."  
  
"Kay kay, Meep."  
  
"Hey guys, lets sing a song!" yelled hairy Carolyn (A/N: oops, I mean Harry/Carolyn)  
  
"Okay, how about....the pirate song!" yelled Meep/Jenneva.  
  
"Yay!" was Kelsey/Hen's enthusiastic response. "Okay, Borry, it goes like this. Ready girls?"  
  
"We're devils, we're black sheep, we're really bad eggs. Drink up, me hearties, Yo ho!  
  
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirates life for me!"  
  
"I love this song!" crooned Kelsey. "When I get my ship back, I'm gonna teach it to the whole crew."  
  
"And you shall be pozzitivitivityly the most farsome pirates in the Spanish spain," slurred Carolyn  
  
"That's not 'ow it goes. Then 'gain, who am I to tlak. I'm drunk! Tlak, tlak!" yelled Jenneva.  
  
"Well I don't know how it goes, either, but I know that you guys are the best friends I've ever had. And I can say that, cuz in the morning I wont remember a thing," he said, smiling.  
  
"Group hug!"  
  
Jenneva and Kelsey pulled away, but Carolyn still held on to Boromir. She looked at him, and he looked at her.  
  
Jenneva interrupted the moment by belching, loudly. How something so big could come out of someone so small was beyond any of them. Well, she would have interrupted the moment if they were sober. But seeing as how they weren't, Boromir leaned down and kissed Carolyn. She kissed him back, and Kelsey and Jenneva snuck out of the room, giggling.  
  
About five minutes and a glass of wine later, both girls headed back into the room to find their friends. Boromir had his shirt off and his pants half down, making the two girls shriek. Carolyn was still clothed, because the damn zipper on her coat (Which she ALWAYS wears) wouldn't unzip. Carolyn was sitting on the floor, trying to maneuver the zipped coat over her head (no mean feat for a sober person), when Jenneva and Kelsey interceded. Ignoring Carolyn's groans of frustration, Kelsey pulled her to her feet.  
  
"Carrorrolililili-Harry, what have I told you 'bout guarding yer carnal treshure?"  
  
"Um, that I should guard it?"  
  
"That's right," said Kelsey nodding.  
  
A brief pause.  
  
"Oh, to hell with it, I'm gonna go find Legolas."  
  
"But, but, Henny, wut 'bout yer carnival thingy-madoo? And why does Borry still have his pants down?" asked Jenneva, highly confused.  
  
"It busted out. I'm gonna go find my hot sexy hot prince, I need some...whateva. And really, Borry, you've seen one, you've seen 'em all..."  
  
"Nedd some whateva?....What, outercourse? No, I'm not gonna let your leave if yer gonna go hav sex," said Carolyn, wobbling with her hands on hips.  
  
"You got it, baby. Wait, baby. Wonder who's babysitting...I think I'd better go chack," said Kelsey deviously.  
  
"Yeah, some weirdo could have him, you better go...Jenneva, why don't you go find a nice hobbit...Come 'ere, Borry, I wasn't done with you..."


	18. Kelsey Drunk

A/N: Okay, guys, I'm! YAY!! Kelly, this one's for you ;P.  
  
hobbitluver: get the paper bag!! No one hyperventilates on my watch! Glad you're enjoying it XP.  
  
Pippinsgal011890: Lyrics courtesy of the subtitles on Carrots of the Pirrabean. Screaming Frodo? Am I missing something or what?...Cookie will come in....a dream! So pay attention! It'll be a big one...  
  
Polly: Of course I wont forget a hangover, it will be a big part in its encasing chapter! And how could ANYONE forget a hangover, honestly?  
  
Serpentsdaughter: I've had a few people comment about legendary frog, doesn't it rock? I lurv it XP. And in this story, I am god, so he is MINE!! Besides, a beloved reviewer gave him to me!  
  
Shadow Faerie Twilight: LOL, I am a sick/dirty person, and so is my humor, lol!  
  
BBC: PEOPLE, I AM NOT RESPODING TO A REVIEW TO THE BRITISH BROADCASTING COMPANY!! Here you go, kid. Yay, no more pokes! does a happy dance and I've never been drunk, but I plan to try it sometime...When its legal, of course. looks left to right for parents/cops  
  
Breck: Kill me and kiss me at the same time, huh? Sounds like an abusive relationship! And don't worry bout me, I've gotten used to dealing with your insatiable hunger for fanfic wink, wink  
  
Gaterback: Okay, I am officially insane. I am responding to a review I posted on my own story. Shakes head  
  
nienna-yavetil: Don't sleep, huh? Well, I HAVE been listening to The Barenaked Ladies' insomnia song.... THEY ROCK!!  
  
Rohanshieldbitch: Well no one knew about your zipper until just now because you TOLD them!!! This is fanFICTION, fiction means I can do whatever I want!!! Mwahahaha. Don't worry, you will be fellowship whore in another story (.  
  
Chapter 18  
  
Kelsey made her way out of the wine cellar to find her hot prince. She headed in the direction of the camp, but after about ten minutes still hadn't reached it. Damnit. She kept wandering (though not in a straight line, which was probably her problem) until she came upon a she-elf.  
  
"Scooz me, can oo show me where the vzztorz are staying?"  
  
"Kelsey? Oh my, god, what happened to you?"  
  
Kelsey got a better look at the she-elf and started laughing maniacally. (A/N: there's that word again, I love it!)  
  
"Kelly? What the hell you doin' 'ere? Last I heard you were off ta private school, you little sneak. How'djoo manage to IM me from Middle Earth?"  
  
"I haven't been here all that long, Kelsey, just a month about. Are you drunk?"  
  
"You better believe it, sista. And I'm gonna go find my man-who iznt really a man-cause I need some lovin'."  
  
"Kelsey, what has happened to you? I thought I knew you..."  
  
"Don't worry, i'm still the same inzane person you knew. I'm just a little drunk, thatz all. Now where're my friends?"  
  
"Well, I don't know if I should tell you this, considering, but, well, I'll just take you to them."  
  
"Smashing."  
  
So Kelly lead Kelsey in the direction she had come from, towards the camp. When they reached it, the men recognized Kelsey's state immediately. They jumped to their feet to help, but she told them to sit down.  
  
"Thankz so much, Kelllllly. See you in the mornin when I'm soba."  
  
"Well, by then."  
  
Kelsey plopped herself down next to Legolas (the men had all sat down again).  
  
"I know what I said 'bout bein' friends and all, but I was lyin', I want more. Not a relashunship or nuthin, just yer baby."  
  
She looked at Legolas for his reaction.  
  
Many emotions crossed his face. Shock, embarrassment, shock, amusement, worry, embarrassment, shock, concern...  
  
Kelsey stood up then and started to walk away.  
  
Him being concerned about my sanity, honestly! Or her sober-ness! How dare he!  
  
"Fine, I'll just find someone who wants a one-nigh' stand, then. Hmmm, where are the other elves, again?"  
  
"Kelsey, I think you need some rest," said Aragorn concernedly.  
  
"Well not with you, bubba. What would Arwen have ta say bout that? Whoooo," Kelsey said as she almost fell over. Aragorn grabbed her, and stood her on her feet.  
  
"Come on, here's your bed over here." Aragorn practically had to carry her there. She curled up immediately and sighed contentedly when he tossed her on the mattress.  
  
Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas looked at each other, then laughed. Aragorn spoke up, first.  
  
"Should we play a joke on her?"  
  
Jenneva stumbled out of the cellar before she thought about what Carolyn had said. 'Go find a nice hobbit'.  
  
"Well, I dunno 'bout a hobbit, but I need some food. Merry an' Pippin, then. Now which drection is that?"  
  
Jenneva wandered around, till she found the two hobbits, mournfully eating. Some people get drunk when they're sad, some eat.  
  
"Hey guys, mind sharin' some chow?"  
  
"Well, I don't know what chow is but you are welcome to join us," sighed Merry.  
  
"Humff, you guyz'r awful cheerful," said Jenneva, grabbing some bread.  
  
"Here's to you, low-carb diets! Atkins and South Beach, eat up!"  
  
This went right over the hobbits' heads with a nice whooshing sound. Maybe cuz they're so short...  
  
All three continued to eat, until Jenneva fell into her plate with a splat. Mashed potatoes flew, spattering the hobbits. They shook their heads, and started to scheme.  
  
A/N: You see, when the girls make plans, it's called planning. When males make plans, its called scheming. Just thought you might want to know the difference wink wink.  
  
Meanwhile, Carolyn was with Boromir. Both of them were still trying to get the damn coat off. They were too drunk to realize the coat didn't really need to be off. Finally, they collapsed on the floor, settling for a makeout session. After about half an hour (Both had very good stamina. No just kidding, it was more like five minutes, not thirty)-after about five minutes, Boromir finally got the coat to unzip. With a cry of triumph, he unzipped the coat, revealing her layered tank tops underneath. A/N: What the point of wearing anything under your coat if you cant see it and you NEVER take the coat off? He looked up at Carolyn to share his excitement, and heard her loud snore.  
  
"KNAUGHHHHHHH." A/N: How do you type a snore? Seriously....  
  
"Damnit..."  
  
Sorry so short, but I just got back from cheese land and I'm TIRED! 


	19. The Next Morning

A/N: Sorry it's taken so long to update, I've been a hobo, living at my friend's houses XP. Okay, less reviews cause the last chapter sucks, I get it. BUT IF YOU DON'T REVIEW, I'M NOT GONNA CONTINUE WITH THE STORY!!! ROAR!  
  
Pippinsgal011890: Sorry it was short, and YES! I am trying to kill you! It is my goal in life! An I didn't mean any offense to the cheese state, I was born there :). I felt your brainwaves (they tickled).  
  
Rohanshieldbitch: hmmm.....I am NEVER LETTING YOU GET SET ON FIRE! I get to seduce them, bitch!!  
  
Polly: I make more sense when I'm drunk? That's sad....Fabio will be coming more into play soon, along with Carolyn and Jenneva's gimmicks: stalkers and fear of water XP.  
  
blackbeltchick06: what I a glomp?  
  
nienna-yavetil: I like cheese too XD  
  
Breck: I haven't decided if Carolyn gets into Borry's pants yet, but if she does it will be soon before he gets put into his box. "Tomorrow" won't be awkward; it's going to be funny as hell! (Hopefully, I do try to be funny). The cheese state is Wisconsin. And you're Canadian?! I thank you for your country producing the BARENAKED LADIES!!!!  
  
Animegoddess177: mwahahaha! All of the pandemonium and calamity we would cause!! What does ja ne mean?  
  
SerpentsDaughter: Your wish is my command!  
  
Chapter 19 (Woo baby!)  
  
Carolyn woke up to her brain trying to pound its way out of her skull. She groaned, and opened her eyes. She was on the floor, and Boromir was holding her in his oh-so-sexy arms. Carolyn sighed contentedly, then stiffened.  
  
Why am I on the floor? Why is he, like, hugging me? WHY IS MY COAT UNZIPPED!?!?!?! Shit.  
  
Thinking the worst, Carolyn eased herself out of Boromir's hold and left the cellar. She tried to zip up her coat, but now that it was unzipped she couldn't get the damn thing to zip up again. (And thus Carolyn's coat is as it is now).  
  
Now everyone will know I'm a whore!  
  
She gave up, and looked up to curse the heavens. She screeched when the sun pierced her eyes. She lay, writhing on the ground, repeating "The sun! It burns us, precious!! It burns!"  
  
After about five minutes, she got up, carefully keeping her gaze from the sky.  
  
So this is a hangover. This sucks, this sucks, this sucks, this sucks, this sucks! This is worse than climbing a huge dune and running down it into a freezing cold lake, then walking on wet sand for like 5 hours to get back to camp! Why did Galadriel help us get drunk?  
  
While pondering her situation, she came upon Jenneva, who was lying on a table with food all over her face. Carolyn considered shouting at her, and giving her a rude awakening, but her voice froze in her throat. There were two hobbits lying on either side of her friend, making a Jenneva sandwich. Which was actually kind of ironic since they were covered in food.... But that wasn't the point. The point was that Carolyn wasn't the only one who had done something stupid last night. Carolyn wanted to laugh, but that would wake up the three people who looked just adorable...And she didn't want to embarrass Jenneva. Her own situation was similar (though not as scandalous), so she decided not to say anything. Jenneva would have enough to joke about without being provoked.  
  
Carolyn walked off to find Kelsey. Maybe if they both teamed up against Jenneva...Carolyn continued planning (planning, not plotting) her attack on Jenneva, when she came upon the camp of the fellowship. It was completely wrecked. Clothes were strewn everywhere. Kelsey was laying on a jumble of blankets, with arms and legs thrown haphazardly over her. Those arms and legs belonged to Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas. Carolyn burst out laughing, startling Kelsey awake.  
  
She groaned, and started to bitch at Carolyn when she became aware of her position (and the positions of her companions). Her eyes widened so far Carolyn thought Kelsey's eyes would pop out of her head. Then Kelsey let out a scream that made Carolyn clutch her poor hangover-ed ears. Kelsey tried to leap out of the tangle of male arms and legs, but she was stuck.  
  
"Get off me you freaks! Oh my god, how drunk was I? What the hell happened?"  
  
"Well, Kelsey," started Aragorn, "You came to us and asked us if we, well...and we told you that you were drunk, and you started crying, and, so, we, uh, gave in..."  
  
"Gave in to what?"  
  
"Well, your request that we, uh, all three of us, well that we should...uh..."  
  
"Holy SHIT!!"  
  
Kelsey finally managed to push herself out of the labyrinth of limbs, her cheeks blazing. She didn't know what to do, so she said the first thing that came to mind.  
  
"So, uh, did you guys just put your pants on after....cause, I mean, you're wearing them now, and..."  
  
"Well we didn't want someone to come upon us unawares and not be able to fight..." explained Gimli.  
  
No one seemed to be able to finish their sentence.  
  
"Well, um, did, um, anyone, well, um, did you guys wear condoms?"  
  
A/N: Finally, a completed sentence!  
  
"What are condoms?" asked Legolas innocently.  
  
"Shit. Shit shit shit shit! I was drunk you fucking morons!"  
  
Kelsey was about to continue her lecture, when a scream pierced her brain like a thousand needles.  
  
"Damnit Fabio! I've got a fucking hangover, I'm probably gonna get pregnant, and I don't even know who's the father," Kelsey mumbled as she went to take care of her baby.  
  
The men looked at Carolyn, who shook her head at them and went after Kelsey.  
  
Meanwhile, on the buffet table...  
  
Jenneva was awakened by Fabio's intense wail. She groaned, and tried to roll over, but something was in the way. She opened her eyes, and went completely still as the shape of Merry came into focus. She tried to roll away from him, but was stopped on her other side. Afraid to look, she peeked over her shoulder. It was Pippin.  
  
Great, I'm in a hobbit sandwich. Wait, how did I get here? I recall being drunk, then eating with the hobbits, then...SHIT!!  
  
Trying not to wake the hobbits, Jenneva eased herself up and backwards. She crawled backwards until her legs went off the table, dragging the rest of her body with them. She yelped in pain as she slammed into the ground. This awakened Merry and Pippin, who peered over the edge of the table at the moaning Jenneva rubbing her head.  
  
"Good morning, sunshine," said Pippin cheerfully.  
  
"How are you feeling," asked Merry.  
  
"Just peachy. Um, what exactly happened last night? I don't really remember..."  
  
"Well, you fell asleep in your food, and then you woke up, and, well, lets say you were awake enough to tell us what you wanted." This Pippin explained, with a cheeky grin at the last part.  
  
"Shit. Umm, wait, us? As in plural?"  
  
"Oh yes," said Merry, with a wicked grin.  
  
Jenneva started blankly back.  
  
"Umm, I have to go...do...something...bye..."  
  
As soon as Jenneva was out of earshot the hobbits started to laugh maniacally.  
  
A/N: Don't you just love that word? 


	20. After The Morning After

Sue H: poor baby, I HATE it when the net doesn't work! and I had to make condoms nonexistent, theres no rubber in ME. sigh, poor ME women.  
  
Animegoddess177: Thanx for the translation winks mwhahaha, a dual fanfic between us would be SO INSANE!!!  
  
blackbeltchick06: Thanx for the glomp ;) and ARE U INSULTING MY INSANE FRIENDS!?!?! more is here.  
  
nienna-yavetil: I've never actually had a hangover either, I'm improvising. lol, stop molestering the hobbits!  
  
RohanShieldBitch: Mwahahaha, the story of how the coat broke! And yes, and kinky is my middle name. Eww, nvm.  
  
Breck: Not a skank. LOL! no, im just playin XP. KEEP Celine Dion! Or send her to Cuba...And of course you can have the Ladies back for holidays...but which holidays, Canadian or American...  
  
Chapter 20 (wow, twenty chapters?!?)  
  
All three girls met up in a clearing where Kelsey was feeding Fabio. She was mumbling to herself, and rocking back and forth like an insane maniac. Carolyn rolled her eyes and warily approached her friend.  
  
"Kelsey? How ya doin?..."  
  
"Geez, can no one finish their sentences?! I HATE when there are those little dots at the end of a sentence!"  
  
"Okay, I'll finish my sentences from now on. Now what's wrong?"  
  
Kelsey looked up at Carolyn.  
  
"You saw me in the human version of that stuff from Harry Potter 1. You can guess what happened."  
  
"Oh, well, that, um, well, I had a similar experience, so you don't need to feel that bad."  
  
"You woke up tangled in the limbs of three guys? Oh my god, Gimli and Legolas aren't even our species! Gross! Interspecies-sex is SO wrong! It's like I fucked my dog or something. OH MY GOD, I HAVE A DIRTY MIND!!" A/N: Isn't it true?  
  
"Kelsey, don't yell!" Carolyn yelled to get her attention. Both girls groaned, and started to whisper when Jenneva came stumbling up to them. She had a blank look on her face.  
  
"Jenneva, are you okay?" asked Kelsey concernedly. When she didn't answer, Carolyn shook her gently by the shoulders to get her attention.  
  
"What? What's going on? Why did I wake up on a table in a hobbit sandwich? Why are our hangovers not as bad as they should be?"  
  
Ignoring the questions she couldn't answer, Carolyn went for the one that she could.  
  
"Galadriel said the wine was from her private stock, it must be special wine. We do have to leave today, after all."  
  
"Oh," said Jenneva in a small voice. She seemed to be retreating into herself.  
  
"Jenneva, what do you mean you woke up as a hobbit sandwich?" asked Kelsey.  
  
"Well, when I woke up, I was squished between Merry and Pippin, and we were all covered in food."  
  
"Kinky," murmured Carolyn. Both of her friends stared at her in shock.  
  
"Well, hoe were your adventures with Boromir?" asked Kelsey sweetly.  
  
"Well, I don't know, I was drunk, but I woke up this morning, and he was hugging me, and..." Carolyn paused. "My coat was unzipped," she confessed in a rush.  
  
"Woo baby!" said Jenneva.  
  
"He was hugging you? How CUTE!" exclaimed Kelsey.  
  
"Oh my god, you guys, we could be pregnant," said a mortified Carolyn.  
  
"Well, I'm probably not because two of the guys weren't even my species, and their sperm probably killed off Aragorn's sperm...OH MY GOD!!! I HAVE SPERM SWIMMING AROUND IN ME!! AHHHHHH!! GET IT OUT!! IT CAN I LIVE FOR A WEEK!!! GET IT OUT!! EWW, ITS IN MY ABDOMEN!! GET IT OUT!!!!!!"  
  
Jenneva and Carolyn had hunkered down with their hands clamped over their ears, but they still heard Kelsey's ranting, and unfortunately could make out the words.  
  
They looked at each other and started to scream.  
  
Then they started doing what I will call the sperm dance. They still had their hands over their ears, but they were flailing their elbows in place of their entire arms. They stamped the ground, and it looked like they were stomping on bugs. Kelsey joined them. They spun about in wide circles, yelling 'Get it out!! Get it out!! Get it ouuuuuuuut!!!!!!'  
  
This brought the attention of several elves. They stood staring at the spectacle, and then sent someone to fetch the girls' escorts. Maybe this was a regular thing, and their companions knew how to deal with it.  
  
All eight other members of the fellowship ended up at the scene, even Frodo and Sam. A/N: I wonder what THEY were doing last night... They all stood in a ring around the girls. After about ten minutes of trying to talk to the ranting lunatics, Boromir locked his arms around Carolyn.  
  
She screamed her head off.  
  
Nevertheless A/N: wow, 3 words put together make one word...how about elephantpeanutfuck? Is that a word? Nevertheless, Boromir held onto Carolyn. When she realized he wasn't going to let her go, she directed her yelling at him. Remember, he had been drinking last night, too. He dropped her and she ran into the protective embrace of her friends. All three girls glared at the males, who shifted their feet uncomfortably.  
  
"You horny bastards, if yo ever touch us again we're gonna rip your balls off and shove 'em up your ass!" yelled Carolyn. Damn, she was pissed.  
  
Her threat caused a look of confusion from Boromir and Sam and Frodo, and a look of guilt from the rest of the fellowship. At that point, Galadriel walked up and spoke. With her mouth.  
  
"I think it is time to reveal your jest."  
  
A/N: Okay people. I've noticed that reviews have been going down. That is not good. We need to remedy this situation. And it is up to you. What you need to do is push the little periwinkle-colored button that says 'submit review'. Then, you type something in the box! And you submit it, and we're good to go. Got it? Otherwise, I am WITHOLDING CHAPTERS!!!! continues job "Timmy Johnson, please report to the principal's office. Timmy Johnson..." 


	21. Flying Dwarves

nienna-yavetil: NO! Not the hobbits! Leave the little ones alone!!  
  
insanity-is-my-friend: hilarious...Thanx!!  
  
Pippinsgal011890: lol, a thirdling, lol, YOU'RE A GENIUS!! Don't worry bout your bum, we'll get some duct tape and it'll be good as new!! Glad you got ur cookie  
  
Animegoddess177: Fine, you get will, which means I GET CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!!! does the sperm dance for joy An I would never do crack...except for that one time, at band camp...  
  
polly: I believe you hav a dirtier mind than me, but get yours out of the gutter! Al is explained in this chappie...  
  
RohanShieldBitch: SHUT UP!!! In the depp end will always be my fav, because she was my first reader that reviewed EVER!!!  
  
blackbeltchick06: it wouldn't be interesting, it would be BAD!! I've already got a baby, Jenneva's baby ate itself to death and Carolyn...well Carolyn is Carolyn. (We all three had them at one point)  
  
goth elf: bows tank oo vewy much  
  
Chapter 21 (good age)  
  
Everyone looked at Galadriel in stunned silence. The jokers wondered how she knew about their joke, and the girls were curious as to what she was talking about. The bystanders looked curiously like a Jerry Springer crowd.  
  
Merry and Pippin spoke up first.  
  
"Well, Jenneva, when you fell asleep last night, we thought it would be fun to play a little harmless joke on you," said Pippin with a nervous grin. When Jenneva didn't respond, Merry clarified.  
  
"Nothing happened last night. You fell asleep, and we moved you on top of the table. Then we went to sleep next to you to make you think...something had happened."  
  
"YOU FREAKS!!! What the hell would posses you to joke about that? It's not funny! ARGGG!!"  
  
The two hobbits blushed and looked down at their feet abashedly. Kelsey wanted to go give them a hug they were SO adorable. She was about to do just that, when Aragorn got her attention.  
  
"Kelsey, uh, well, we did pretty much the same thing...Nothing actually happened."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing happened, lass," said Gimli. "You fell asleep. You made some rather odd requests before you passed out, so we thought it would be funny to play a joke."  
  
"We thought you would wake up, remember what you had said, and worry a little bit. We didn't mean for it to go on, but we didn't expect Carolyn to come and distract you from the reaction we wanted. And then you left..."  
  
"Finish your goddamned sentence, Legolas!" spat Kelsey.  
  
"So we didn't have a chance to tell you until now. We're sorry."  
  
"You mother fucking pieces of shit!! What the hell possessed you to make me think I'd gotten drunk and slept with 3 guys, 2 of which aren't even human!! You think that's funny!?! Legolas, I'm writing a letter to your daddy! And Aragorn, Arwen is going to hear all about this!! Gimli...I...you...I'll get you back somehow, you watch your back!! Pieces of SHIT!!"  
  
Kelsey crossed her arms and pouted, trying to look angry at the same time. The effect was quite comical, but no one laughed. No one was willing to risk the wrath of her temper.  
  
Galadriel looked at Carolyn and Boromir, then.  
  
"Carolyn, your coat was unzipped after you fell asleep. When Boromir realized you were sleeping, he slept as well. Nothing happened."  
  
Carolyn and Boromir blushed. Now Galadriel addressed all three girls.  
  
"I hoped you have learned your lesson pertaining to the consumption of alcohol."  
  
"Yeah, never get drunk when hobbits are around," mumbled Jenneva.  
  
"Condoms don't exist in Middle Earth," said Kelsey clearly.  
  
"My coat should NEVER be unzipped," muttered Carolyn.  
  
Galadriel smiled then, and preparations for the departure of the fellowship began. The girls held their chins high and refused to speak to their 'protectors'.  
  
Some protectors they were. Stupid fucks. They had caused the girls to do the sperm dance, something they didn't like to do when it was unnecessary.  
  
The threesome went off to a pond where they could bathe. All three smelled of wine, and Jenneva was covered I food. Carolyn was covered in dirt from sleeping on the ground, and Kelsey was covered from dirt and sweat from Aragorn and Gimli. Kelsey was toting Fabio along, now determined to care for him all by herself. Legolas could go...care for someone else's baby for all she cared.  
  
A/N: Kelsey's wits are not at her best in the morning XP  
  
At the pond, they met up with Kelsey's friend Kelly. Unfortunately, Kelly had heard all about the scandal between the girls and their protectors. She laid down the towels she had brung, made a lame excuse to leave, and did so.  
  
A/N: Has Kelly ever had a lame excuse? I doubt it!  
  
Kelsey sighed and shook her head. The three girls washed themselves in the freezing water (which helped clear their heads), but when they went to put their clothes back on, they were gone. Carolyn had a towel wrapped around her when she found the absence of clothing.  
  
"Uh, guys, our clothes are gone."  
  
Kelsey knew just what to do.  
  
"Gimli, help! We're being attacked by a..a....a warg! Help!!"  
  
Kelsey grinned as Gimli came puffing down the side of the ravine. You see, the pond was right at the bottom of the ravine, therefore private. But as Gimli came barreling down the incline, he lost his balance and started to roll down instead. Kelsey laughed, but her laughter stopped when he flew off what was kind of a ramp leading to the pool. He went up, graceful as a Canadian goose, then splashed right down in the middle of the pool. Kelsey's laughter had stopped because Gimli was going to kill her. She took one look at the sodden dwarf and sprinted up the hill.  
  
When Kelsey reached the top, she encountered a maid holding new clothes.  
  
"Kelly! Gimme some clothes, quick!"  
  
Kelly figured that her friend was into the same sort of trouble she had been in last night (she was almost naked, for heaven's sake!) and started to lecture Kelsey as she helped her get dressed. The clothes all seemed to go on funny, so that you needed someone to help you get them on. Or off. A/N: wink wink!  
  
Just as she was finished dressing, Gimli came over the top of the ravine, puffing and dripping. Kelsey squeaked and bolted, yelling thanks over her shoulder to Kelly.  
  
Back in the ravine, Carolyn and Jenneva shook their heads, and waited for Kelly to get to them with clothes.  
  
After about half an hour, Carolyn was finally dressed. She had insisted on doing it herself, which had caused great delay, because she didn't know how any of the clothes worked. Jenneva passed the time by caring for Fabio, who had started to cry again. Once all was in order, they set up the hill to find Kelsey, if she was still alive.  
  
A/N: Okay, I'm going on a little trip and I wont be back until Tuesday, so I promise a big chapter on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, but ONLY IF I GET AT LEAST TEN REVIEWS!!! THE MORE THE MERRIER!! Poor merry, can you imagine thousands of Merrys? 


	22. Homecoming

Hobbitlurver: bows tank oo!! It's people like you who make me want to keep writing. XP.  
  
Polly: Kelly blackbeltchick06, my friend from my town. I don't think you've ever told me not to piss off a dwarf...but its good advice!!  
  
Animegoddess177: LMAO!!! What's a hikari? sits attentively for Japanese lesson All the good guys are in Canada, I guess. (props to breck) pouts  
  
Breck: Tank oo vewy much! Go team! I do too respect. See above for props and yes, you win the best goose award. Am I not good enough for a kiss? Huh?  
  
Elrohir lover: Thanx, tell me what battery schorage is and I'll use it!  
  
RohanShieldBitch: Nine more to go? What does that mean?  
  
Pippinsgal011890: Still a genius? Was I ever a genius? Lol, I will try to be funny, just for you! And thank you for saying thanx, that was SOOO nice!!  
  
Meep girl: I shall teach you the sperm dance and you will give me my cookie!!! Okay, no more stabbing...  
  
Chapter 22  
  
After searching for ten minutes, Jenneva came upon Kelsey cowering under a bush. Carolyn leaned over, and finding her friend, started to laugh. Kelsey was hugging the trunk/stem of the bush, and was trembling.  
  
Kelsey crawled out of her hiding spot, looking both ways for her dwarvish stalker. Seeing that the coast was clear, she relaxed.  
  
"Have you seen the dwarf recently?" asked Kelsey nervously.  
  
Controlling her laughter (barely), Carolyn managed to tell Kelsey the news.  
  
"Kelsey, Galadriel has summoned us to look in her mirror."  
  
Kelsey stared blankly at Carolyn.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I don't know, we're just supposed to show up and look in her mirror."  
  
"Well then, I guess we should get over there...Where is there, exactly?"  
  
At that point an elleth showed up smiling. The girls started to follow, when they did a double take.  
  
Carolyn: RACHEL!?!?!  
  
Jenneva: Rachel, what the hell are you doing here?  
  
Kelsey: Where's Godzilla baby?  
  
Rachel: The eurhythmy teacher sent me after you guys. You're in big trouble. Come on.  
  
The three friends looked after each other, shrugged, and followed.  
  
When they reached their destination, Galadriel was waiting, smiling like Mona Lisa. She poured a pitcher of water into what looked like a birdbath. She motioned for the girls to look into the pool of water, so they did. All three girls peered into the water.  
  
"Uh, I don't see anything."  
  
Kelsey glanced up to look at Galadriel, and her jaw dropped open. Carolyn and Jenneva's jaws soon followed suit.  
  
They were home.  
  
A/N: Okay, people. I really don't want to be greedy, but I have become addicted to REVIEWS!! And this chapter is a teaser, kinda sorta. I'm not sure if I'm gonna continue this fanfiction, or just end it and start a new one. You guys need to review and tell me what you want. Whatever you guys want, I'll do. I figure since you're the ones reading it, you should have some say in what happens to it. This wouldn't have been possible without your support. Thanx, guys. 


	23. The One Mall

Chapter 23  
  
All three girls stared around them. They were clearly not in middle earth anymore. The air seemed foul, polluted. And Rachel had disappeared.  
  
The same choice was given to you as the rest of the fellowship. If you wish, you may leave the fellowship and return to your home. You must choose now, whether to remain in middle earth, or live in your home world. Your choice will be permanent. You have one hour to decide.  
  
The three friends looked at each other. Galadriel had said one hour. Kelsey planned to live it up, she had an hour to do whatever she wanted with no fear of the consequences. Carolyn wanted to wash her hair and straighten it. Jenneva was the only one who contemplated whether or not to go back. After all, the choice would change the rest of her life. It required thinking through.  
  
Kelsey started towards the sounds of cars, which sounded strange compared to the silence of Lothlorien. All those trees had muffled the sounds in the forest. Carolyn hesitated only a second before following Kelsey. Jenneva looked at her feet, before realizing that she had brand-new shoes on. She looked up in surprise and found that Carolyn and Kelsey were in different clothes, too.  
  
"You guys, what's with our shoes? And our clothes?"  
  
Kelsey spoke up after a moment of stunned silence.  
  
"Hey, Galadriel probably wanted us to know what we would be missing, so she gave it to us. Nice tennis shoes. sigh. Hey, do you think we get a car?!"  
  
Kelsey ran around a bend in the path they were on and squealed in delight. Carolyn and Jenneva shared a look, then followed. Kelsey was jumping up and down in a circle around a blue mini-cooper with a british flag painted on the top. A/N: drools  
  
Carolyn started towards the car, but Kelsey grabbed a set of keys and yelled "I GET TO DRIVE!!!!"  
  
So the three girls, shrugging, piled into the car and headed off north. After about five minutes, they came upon a mall. They parked (it only took Kelsey 5 tries to get it right), and headed inside. 45 minutes later, they all piled into the car, laden with shopping bags. There had been money in the glove compartment. $900 to be precise. They had each taken $300 and bought the necessities they would need to survive the rest of their lives in Middle Earth.  
  
The mall had been of Galadriel's creation, for any store they could even think about going to was there. Kelsey had gone nuts in Cosco A/N: don't own, though I LOVE IT THERE She bought practical things for her life in Middle Earth. She had spent all of her money on pain killers, vitamins, toothpaste, a thousand boxes of tampons, and a few other random things she couldn't live without. And batteries for her cd player. And condoms. Just to show Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli what they were. Well not physically show,   
  
Carolyn had purchased a battery powered straightening iron, along with tons of shampoo and conditioner, millions of batteries, and deodorant. Jenneva ended up buying every single Barenaked Ladies cd in existence, along with a cd player, and, of course, tons of batteries.  
  
The girls also went to a bookstore and bought Lord of the Rings, in Spanish and German. They had decided that they needed the books as a reference, but there was a danger of them falling into the wrong hands. So, they got the books in German for Carolyn, and Spanish for Jenneva and Kelsey. Dictionaries were also bought, for the respective languages, along with an English one, and an elvish one Kelsey found.  
  
So, laden with their purchases, they headed back to the car. They had all sent letters to their parents, explaining where they had gone, and assuring them that their children really weren't insane. They were going to an imaginary world, really, they weren't insane! Kelsey took the long way out of the parking lot of the 'mall'. She loved the car, she wanted to keep it. But she decided she wanted a certain hot sexy hot elven prince more...  
  
So the three companions were back in the clearing where they had come into their world and hour after arriving there. They each held their bags close, so they would not be left behind. All of a sudden polled was everywhere. All three girls sneezed from the spores, and when they opened their eyes, they were back in Lothlorien.  
  
Galadriel was smiling. They had all made it back to Middle Earth, and their shopping bags had come with them. Kelsey was still clutching the key to her beloved car. She sniffed, and tucked the key into her pocket for a keepsake. Jenneva was jamming to Barenaked Ladies, and Carolyn was questioning Galadriel. The funny thing though, was that coming back to Middle Earth felt like coming home.  
  
A/N: okay, I'm gonna keep going XP. I can't do responses to reviews because my computer is spazzing, sorry. I love you guys! Review!!! NOW! REVIEW! 


	24. Legolas, this is a

hobbitlurver: tank oo! here's the next chappie! lol, teasing is fun...  
  
Pippinsgal011890: lol, thanx. I'll try and put more of the entire fellowship in, including pippin XP.  
  
Animegoddess177: eyes hands behind back nervously...okay....I'll keep writing...  
  
SerpentsDaughter: lol, more story just for you! sorry for not updating, tons of work. no its not the end.  
  
nienna-yavetil: uh, thanks, but what cool stuff r u talking about? if I know what it is, I can do more XD. it's okay, its not over back soothingly...  
  
Sue H: I wrote this story alone, thank you very much tilts chin proudly but thanx XP. and its not over, don't worry!  
  
Shadow Faerie of Twilight: thank you, Thank You, THANK YOU!! basks in praise mwahaha, bouncing hobbits! mwahaha!  
  
YouNeverKnow: I've never heard of flashgrounds, I saw it on , and so have some other people. thanks!  
  
Breck: I hate making people cry, but I'm about to because GUESS WHAT!?! my BNL e2e cd got damaged beyond repair!! and my brother (he who is responsible for the horrific act) had mysteriously dissappearded. Mwahaha, Freudian slip indeedie.  
  
polly: lol, bring an elf to school? people would be molestering him all the time. AND WE CANT HAVE THAT, NO WE CANT, PRECIOUS! pets scared- looking legolas  
  
blackbeltchick06: MY MINI!!! MINE!! and no I haven't signed up for seg 2, I'm working too much, no time. hey, did I tell u I have a livejournal? same name as here. dude, we need to start fotRowling soon! and yes, you are the maid grins  
  
RohanShieldBitch: okay.as long as YOU UPDATE!!!  
  
cleo: okay, and thanx for the review!! I LURV them!  
  
Chapter 24  
  
Now that the three girls knew they would stay in Middle Earth, the plots of matchmaking began to run rampant again. Each girl had planned who the other two would end up with. Perfect matches, of course. Except Kelsey, who wanted to match people together for amusement. Like Jenneva and Gimli. Mwahaha.  
  
So after deciding which of their supplies to bring on the journey (if they were captured their stuff would just be taken away, and it was precious to them), the girls launched their plans into action. Each kept to herself the rest of the day, busy planning. The only time they spoke was to arrange Boromir's box.  
  
"Hey guys, we should really arrange Boromir's box," said Kelsey.  
  
"Okay, how about we get a big box and put him in it and put it in a tree."  
  
Kelsey and Jenneva looked at Carolyn. "A tree?"  
  
"It's up high so no orcs can get at him," explained Carolyn.  
  
So the girls paid a visit to Galadriel to plead their case. They needed a box. A big one, with breathing holes. Galadriel gave them a funny look, but presented them with an amazing collapsible (for easy transportation) box with breathing holes. So, that taken care of, the girls secluded themselves once again. Kelsey only came out of hiding once, being chased by Gimli. Carolyn and Jenneva peered out of their hiding spots to watch. Gimli had Kelsey cornered, and she was frantically scrambling for something to divert his attention.  
  
"Gimli!! I've got...uh...I've got...toothpaste! I've got toothpaste! If you let me go I'll give you a whole tube of toothpaste!"  
  
Carolyn and Jenneva tried not to laugh as Gimli considered her offer.  
  
"Well, what does it do?"  
  
"It will...uh...make your beard grow faster and stronger! And your hair will be even shinier than Legolas's!"  
  
"Hmmm...outshine the elf, you say...Well, alright. Give it over."  
  
Jenneva and Carolyn were doubled over laughing, trying to be quiet.  
  
Kelsey handed Gimli a tube of toothpaste, and gave him directions on its use.  
  
Later that night...  
  
Gimli arrived at Galadriel's farewell dinner greeted by raucous laughter. Kelsey, Carolyn and Jenneva laughed hardest of all, because they knew what the white goop in his beard and hair really was. Kelsey had told Gimli he must smear the toothpaste on his hair and leave it there while he ate a full meal. She had assured him, though, that it would disappear after a few minutes.  
  
Realizing Kelsey had tricked him, he roared and lunged in her direction. She squeaked and ran off into the woods, Gimli following close behind. After dinner, the pair still hadn't come back. Carolyn and Jenneva started to worry about Kelsey. About half an hour after the worrying started, Gimli returned, very pissed off.  
  
"The lass lost me in the woods, I cannot find her anywhere." Gimli also looked a little abashed at having lost a sixteen year old in the woods. Carolyn and Jenneva looked at each other, and panicked. Their insane friend was gone, and she was afraid of the dark. They ran into the woods, calling Kelsey's name mixed with swearing. It was almost midnight, and here they were looking around in the woods...  
  
Carolyn and Jenneva headed back to dinner to find more people to help search. They ran into Aragorn, first.  
  
"Aragorn, help! Kelsey's lost in the woods and she's afraid of the dark! We'll never see her again! HELP US FIND HER!"  
  
Carolyn and Jenneva had had a little bit too much wine that night, perhaps...  
  
So Aragorn took charge of the situation, and organized a search party.  
  
"People, Kelsey is missing. We must find her."  
  
Jenneva added in some helpful hints.  
  
"Okay everyone, find your search buddy. Do you have your search buddy? Never leave your search buddy, or you will...flashback to ice age burn and die..."  
  
Everyone looked at Jenneva confused, but she just ignored them.  
  
"It's a race. Ready? GO!"  
  
Seven teams of two raced into the woods to find the wayward teenager. It was Jenneva and Legolas who found her. Legolas's sharp elven eyes detected a faint glowing, and the two went to investigate. They found Kelsey blowing up balloons. Glow in the dark balloons. She was surrounded by about twenty of them, already.  
  
"Kelsey, we've been looking for you for like ten minutes! Where have you been!?" asked a concerned Jenneva. Legolas was busy playing with a preety balloon. That is until Jenneva realized what it really was.  
  
'HOLY SHIT!" was all she could say before laughing hysterically.  
  
Legolas looked confused, so Kelsey explained.  
  
"Legolas, this is called a condom..." 


	25. oOoOoOoO

A/N: it's been like a month since I updated, and I apologize profusely for it. My life has been CRAZY. I started work, and I'm taking a class so I can earn more money as a swimming teacher. It tons of work, and I've been sick, and gone on vacation...enough excuses, I'm sorry XP. Feel free to review...and yell at me XD.

Chapter 25

After Kelsey had been brought back to camp and severely punished for running away from an insanely angry dwarf (she had to give him her remote control car from Costco), the group of travelers went to sleep. For like 4 hours. Then, they were roused to begin preparations for their journey. Luckily, the three girls had bought caffeinated coffee caffeine pills from Costco, so they actually were not crabby. Kelsey actually wore a shirt that reflected this. 'instant human: just add coffee'

This caused much anxiety for some elves who had tried the magical coffee mints. Somehow they thought they would turn into humans. It was actually quite amusing to watch people who were hundreds of years old run around screaming, flailing their arms in quite a good imitation of the sperm dance...

So after hours of preparation, Galadriel gathered them to give them their gifts. Everyone got the fancy cloaks and pins; Aragorn got the brooch, Legolas the bow, Gimli the hair...freak dwarf... Boromir that thing I cant remember (A/N: cookie to who can tell me!), Sam got the dirt...fun... Frodo got the shiny light in a bottle, and Merry and Pippin got the pointy knives that burn with the fires of a thousand Popsicles (A/N: evils was getting old) And last but not least (of course), Carolyn received a book series by her favorite author, which she squealed in delight over (apparently they hadn't even been published yet), Jenneva got brownies, and Kelsey ended up with a necklace with a variation of the leaves of Lorien. Additionally, all three girls received a bag from Victoria's Secret, accompanied by a smirk from Galadriel. Those were received with blushes and quickly hidden.

Finally the group left in the fancy boats. At first, the three girls got their own boat. Then, when it was apparent they sucked at canoeing (even though they had gone the year before), they were split up. Kelsey ended up with Legolas and Gimli; luckily Gimli was very pleased with the remote control car and no longer angry with Kelsey. Otherwise, it would have been an uncomfortable boat trip. Carolyn went with Boromir and Merry and Pippin, and Jenneva with Aragorn and Frodo and Sam.

Canoeing, canoeing, canoeing...

So finally, after 15 minutes of complaining (Jenneva had to pee, she _is_ tiny), the group stopped and set ashore. Frodo and Boromir went off to gather firewood for a fire. This was the girls' cue. They grabbed the amazing collapsible box, and sneaked off after Boromir.

Angry Boromir: Gimme the ring, I want it!

Angry Frodo: No its mine, you cant have it! disappears

Angry Boromir: Pouts

Enamored Carolyn: He's SOOOO cute when he pouts!

Annoyed Jen and Kelsey: roll eyes and beat Carolyn over the head

So now that Boromir was alone, the girls took the opportunity to try and save his life. They had set up the box and disguised it with some brush. Now, Carolyn just had to lure him inside. Now Carolyn ventured out of hiding to put their scheme to work.

"Hey, Borry, what's up," asked Carolyn.

Boromir sighed. "I think Frodo will betray us and give the ring to the enemy"

"No! He wouldn't do that, he's a good little hobbit."

Boromir didn't look convinced, so Carolyn tried a more direct route to get him in the box.

"Let's go have comfort sex."

Boromir just looked at her, but quickly complied. Carolyn snickered inside, but Kelsey and Jenneva had heard her. They weren't about to get her off the hook quite as soon as Carolyn thought they would.

So Carolyn led Boromir to the box, and he was so focused on what was to come he didn't even notice the 'ACME' sign on it. As soon as Boromir was in the box, she prepared to leap out at the prepared signal. It didn't come. She had no choice but to follow along with what she had told Boromir. Silently cursing Kelsey and Jenneva, the makeout session began. Boromir was just unzipping Carolyn's coat (Carolyn couldn't help but cringe at the thought) when the signal came. Jenneva and Kelsey sang the song form the elephant scene in Moulin rouge. Kelsey had almost killed Carolyn when she picked the signal.

Carolyn scrambled out of the box as the door slid down, trapping Boromir. He started yelling, so Kelsey threw a powder (from Galadriel, of course) into his face. He immediately passed out. After high fives, the girls began to haul Boromir's box up. There was a rope slung over some branches overhead, which the girls used as a pulley system. Their dreaded physics teacher would have been proud, which made the girls cringe.

So once Boromir was up in his tree, safe in sound, the girls headed back to camp, which was deserted. They decided to wait for the battle to be over, so they sat down. After ten minutes, no one had come back.

"Hey guys," said Carolyn. "What if they left already, thinking we were taken with Merry and Pippin.

"Shit!" said Kelsey. I cant be taken away form my-"

"Hot, sexy hot elven prince. We know, Kelsey," said Carolyn and Jenneva in unison. (They had practiced)

Kelsey pouted.

"Why don't we split up to find them," suggested Jenneva (the practical one).

So the girls split up. But before they had gotten very far, each of the girls was overrun by orcs.

Gasp, what will happen to the girls? Will Boromir just sit there until the war of the ring is over? Where is Fabio? Find out next time (and it will be soon, I promise!)


	26. What Happened?

Carolyn woke up to Sam poking her with a stick.

"Miss Carolyn? Are you alive?"

Snickering internally, Carolyn let out a whoop and grabbed Sam's ankle, to give him a scare. She nearly blacked out again when Sam rapped her on the head with his stick.

"Ow, Sam, wadya do that for?"

"You grabbed me, and I was startled. There are orcs around, and it was a defense mechanism. Sorry."

Sam helped Carolyn to her feet while she tried to remember what had happened.

O yeah, orcs ran by and hit me on the head with something. They probably thought I was dead and left. Yay for me and my instinct to play dead when I'm hit on the head hard enough to make me pass out!

"Let's go find Mr. Frodo, Sam. I think he's fixing to leave, and Gandalf warned you about doing that, didn't he?"

Sam nodded and started off towards the river. Carolyn nearly did a dance of joy. She would get to meet her o-so-sexy Boromeister's (stole from my fav reviewer, teehee) brother.

Meanwhile...

Jenneva woke up to a gentle prodding of her abdomen. She rolled over, mumbling. "Bad kitty, no. I said no! You eat my headphones and now you want to eat me too, is that it?"

All of a sudden memory rushed back and Jenneva bolted upright, hitting her head on something. She looked around, but nothing was there. Then Frodo popped out of thin air a few feet away, rubbing his nose.

"You didn't have to hit me, I was just trying to see if the orcs had killed you and stuffed you in a hollow tree for no reason."

"No, I saw orcs coming so I hid in the tree. I must have slid out, only my legs are in it now...some of that stuff we gave Boromir must have gotten to me, because I fell asleep."

"What did you give to Boromir? He tried to steal the ring from me, I'm leaving..."

"Oh, oh, oh, I'm coming! Don't worry about Borry, he's in a box, asleep. The elves will come get him in about a week. He has enough food and water, he'll be fine, don't worry. Can we go now? I don't like orcs, they make me feel antsy."

"No, I have to go alone. Its too dangerous."

Jenneva gave Frodo a bland look.

"Shut up, lets go."

So they headed off towards the river. Frodo was such a wimp. Then again, maybe cause it's Jenneva is his size...

In the meantime...

Kelsey woke to being jostled around. She was tied, hand and foot. Frightened, she startled to struggle, and opened her eyes. That seemed to trigger her nose, and the smell almost made her puke. Rotting innards of animal flesh (which she didn't eat, seeing as she was a vegetarian...) was what she smelled, and a bunch of orcs was what she saw. She inhaled, preparing to scream, but she could almost taste the foul smelling...smell...and she closed her mouth to smother her upchuck reflex. Realizing she was awake, the orc she was riding grabbed her and put her on the ground near where Merry and Pippin were running. It sliced the bonds off her legs and said in a gruff voice "Run!"

Now Kelsey sometimes thought of herself as a rebel, and she was cranky. She crossed her arms, put her weight on one foot, and said clearly: "Make me."

This was stupid. She got hit from behind, a stunning blow not quite hard enough to make her black out. She gasped in surprise and staggered to her feet again.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? I AM A PERSON, NOT A-"

This time, the blow was hard enough to knock her out.

With Aragorn and Legolas and Gimli...

"The girls and the hobbits are gone. We should save them," said Aragorn.

"Aww, do we have to?" whined Gimli.

"If we don't they'll probably make our lives hell. Lets just go and get it over with." Was Legolas' opinion.

Apparently, since no one had died, they didn't feel obligated to save their fellow...fellowship fellows. Too bad for them, they were going to do it anyways...


	27. Peirced Tongue, Baby!

A/N: in this chappie each section will be preceded by the name of the person/s it is occurring to. Teehee.

Jenneva/Carolyn

After 5 minutes of walking, Jenneva came upon Carolyn and Sam. Squealing, Jen ran up to Carolyn and gave he a big hug. Carolyn looked around uncomfortably.

"I'm glad you're okay, where's Kelsey?" asked a concerned Jenneva (caffeine really does turn her into a human)

"I dunno, probably with her elvish prince. Lets go, I want to meet Faramir."

"Who is Faramir?" asked Frodo.

"My cat," said Carolyn quickly. A little _too_ quickly...seeing as how she had a cat back in Michigan named Frodo...

"Oh." Frodo sounded disappointed for some strange reason. Strange. Strange indeed. Who knows what goes on in the mind of a hobbit? But I digress, back to the story.

So Frodo started off towards the boat. Sam started to follow, which lead to Sam almost drowning. A/N: If you haven't seen the movie, poo on you. I'm not going to explain it because I don't want to type it out. Except now I've types enough to have made it worth the effort...I'm crazy, sorry.

So Carolyn and Jenneva dove in to save Sam with a lifeguarding technique learned from Kelsey. Unfortunately, they can't swim either. So Frodo ended up hauling a hobbit and two humans into the little boat. Wow, he's strong (hobbit wheaties). Frodo and Sam had their touching discussion about never parting, while Carolyn sobbed over her hair. Now it was wet. And she HATES having her hair wet. Jenneva was also afraid of water, since she had sunk like a rock (she has no body fat). So off the four companions went, paddling off into the sunset...

Kelsey/Merry/Pippin

Kelsey regained consciousness once again on the back of a wooly icky smelly orc. Sighing, she considered whether getting knocked out again was worth the effort. Deciding it wasn't, she tore off the pin to her cloak, ready to leave it for the man/elf/dwarf to find. But then she started to think.

_It really is a preety pin, and Merry slash Pippin will spit theirs out for them to find. It really is quite pretty, and Merry slash Pippin never_ did _get his back...I think ill just keep it. I wouldn't want to lose it. It's too pretty. And think of how much I could sell it for on ebay. I'm rambling, aren't I? Sorry..._

So Kelsey resolved to keep her pin, only now it was in her mouth. She left something else for the guys to find. After about an hour, Kelsey felt something prick her tongue quite painfully. She stuck out her tongue to find it had been pierced by the brooch/pin thing. Her eyes widened, and she almost screamed before realizing screaming would get her running or a knock on the head. So she kept quiet, contemplating how she would look with a tongue ring.

Suddenly all of the orcs stopped, and Kelsey was dumped unceremoniously on the ground. She saw Merry and Pippin a few yards away, and started to crawl towards them. Merry and Pippin just stared at her when she reached them.

"What?"

"You have a...hole in your tongue..." said Pippin uneasily."

"Yeah I know, doesn't it rock?"

Before either of the hobbits could answer, the orcs started talking about eating them. Merry and Pippin were off the menu, as the leader orc guy pointed out. Unfortunately, the same could not be said about Kelsey. The orcs were looking at her hungrily.

"Uh, so guys, have you ever considered vegetarianism?"

"What's that?"

"Well, to preserve the welfare of all mammals and quadrupeds, the consumer refrains from ingestion of any creature on the list." Kelsey had used lots of big words on purpose, hoping to confuse the orcs. They looked at her considerably interested.

"What is your position on the consumption of fish and sea creatures for a vegetarian?"

Kelsey was stunned. The orcs wanted to have a philosophical discussion? Strange...

Luckily, Kelsey was saved by a spear stabbing the orc who had asked the bizarre question. She ducked for cover, but was immediately grabbed by the waist and hauled upwards. She screamed, thinking she was going to die, and swung her arms around till she felt her fist connect with what felt like a jaw.

"Fear not, milady, I will not hurt you," a man said stiffly, probably because his jaw was stiff from her punch.

Kelsey nearly sobbed in relief. A human had pulled her onto his horse and was heading away from the battle. Kelsey started to get suspicious when he dismounted in a nearby clearing. Men _were_ horny after all. But all he did was help her down, before he mounted and headed back towards the battle with a warning to stay put. Kelsey did stay put, until the same rider cam to get her.

"Milady, the battle is won. My name is éomer. May I inquire as to yours?"

"Oh. I'm Kelsey. Thanks for saving me. Sorry for hitting you, its just a defense mechanism," Kelsey said abashedly.

"Ah."

Awkward silence.

Aragorn/Legolas/Gimli

"Look, a hobbit lost his pin. They went that way. Lets go."

"Aragorn, how do you know it was a hobbit lost that pin?"

"Legolas, do you think Kelsey would leave anything shiny or pretty behind?"

"Oh, right."

"I've found something...interesting," said Gimli in a strange voice.

Aragorn and Legolas looked over to where the dwarf was. They nodded sagely. They were going in the right direction. Gimli was holding a condom, which had become Kelsey's trademark.


	28. The Stun Gun of D00m!

A/N: sorry its been so long since I updated or replied to reviews. There is simply not enough time in the world. But I do read the reviews and hopefully will reply to them next chappie. (I LURVS the reviews, no stoppie!)

Carolyn/Jenneva/Frodo/Sam walking towards the mountain of death, doom and destruction.

Carolyn was anxiously peering around, hoping to see Faramir. Instead she had spotted Gollum a few times. Ick. So she and Jenneva and Frodo and Sam hatched the devious plan to capture Gollum and use him as a guide. To prepare for the skirmish, Jenneva grabbed a big stick, and Carolyn fished a stun gun out of her pack. Jenneva looked at Carolyn oddly.

"Why do you have a stun gun?"

"Well, I thought it would be useful to have, in case a guy got a little too friendly, or if we had troubles with Boromir and the box, or in case we needed to stun Gollum"

Jenneva gave Carolyn one last odd look before going to sleep. An hour or two later, Jenneva could hear Gollum talking to himself. She started to shake with laughter. Unfortunately, this might have caused Gollum to run away, and that would have been bad. So Carolyn used her stun gun. Jenneva ceased to move, and Sam jumped up and grabbed Gollum. Carolyn aimed at Gollum and shot the stun gun. And hit Sam. Gollum looked at her, then sprung towards Frodo. Carolyn aimed again. And hit Frodo. Again, Gollum looked at her before grabbing for the ring. This time, Carolyn got Gollum right in the arse.

"W00t!"

And now Carolyn waited for everyone to wake up.

Merry/Pippin

"Lets go into the woods so we don't die."

"Okay."

Aragorn/Legolas/Gimli

"Hey, here come some riders. Lets hide then jump out from behind a rock and yell at them."

"Okay."

The riders passâ.

"Hey you guys! Riders ofâRohanâwhat news ofâtheâmark?" yelled Aragorn unceremoniously.

The riders circled around and surrounded Aragorn Legolas and Gimli.

"Who are you?" asked éomer.

"That's for me to know and you to find out," said Gimli, sticking out his tongue. (he had picked up a few things from Kelsey)

"I'd cut off your head if it stood but a little higher from the ground," growled a pissed off éomer.

"You would die before your stroke fell," said the o-so-sexy hot sexy hot elven prince.

The riders lowered their pointy sticks at the three offenders, and Aragorn tried to make peace.

"Please don't kill usâwe're looking for some of our friends. Two hobbits and an annoying human girl."

"Hey! I am not annoying! I'm justâopinionated, you jackass!"

"Well, we've found the girl. Have you seen the hobbits?"

Kelsey was not going to let her pride be wounded without a fight.

"They've gone into Fangorn forest, fun for you, because I'M NOT GOING WITH YOU!!!"

"Yes you are," said éomer, and pushed Kelsey towards her 'friends'.

"Good luck with the wench."

And with that, the riders of Rohan rode off across the plain, out of sight. Kelsey was extremely pissed off.

"I am NOT a wench, Damnit!!!!"

"Lets go, off to Fangorn forest, then."

So when they reached the battlefield, Kelsey took over. She was not going to let Aragorn look all impressive when she could instead.

"So here were Merry and Pippin. The crawled. There was an axe on the ground, they cut their ropes. They crawled. A horse almost killed one. He rolled away. The crawled towards the forest. They went into the forest. They're alive. The end."

Legolas and Gimli looked impressed, but Aragorn pouted and looked sulky. He was supposed to be the cool smart tracker guy who knows everything. Pout.

Kelsey smirked and headed towards the forest.

A/N: Poll-should I put new chapters into a new story called of babies, rings and insanity book 2 or something, so this one doesn't have a million chapters? Yay or nay


	29. Back in Business

A/N: wow, its been like a month and a half since I updated. Al I can say is im SORRY. I had a humungous writers block, and I had to adjust to school and stuff, and life is back to normal now, and fanfiction can continue. As always, I LURV my reviewers, and sorry if I pissed anyone off. Peas and lurv.

Carolyn/Jenneva/Gollum/Sam/Frodo

There was a problem. After Carolyn's victims woke up, there was a moment of confusion. They all had mustaches drawn on their faces, and Jenneva was quick to point it out.

"Hey Sam, you've got a sexy Hitler mustache."

"Hey Frodo, you've got a sexy handlebar mustache."

"Hey Gollum, you've got a goatee."

.....

"Hey Jenneva, your head is shaved."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Carolyn, I'm gonna bash your head against a rock and make you eat your brains and then when you shit them out your gonna eat them AGAIN!!!!!!"

After Jenneva had chased Carolyn around the camp for awhile and Carolyn threatened her with the stun gun, Jenneva conceded to sulk in seething fury.

After this, Gollum began to bring Jenneva pretty rocks and dead fish. Apparently, her bald head was very sexy, and he wanted her. Jenneva was still quite pissed at Carolyn for the head-shaving incident, but she was desperate enough to ask Carolyn for help.

"Yo, bitch. Stun Gollum, he's trying to attract my interest with dead fish."

"Ask nicely."

"BITE ME."

Well, maybe jenneva wasn't all that desperate after all. And so it went as the company proceeded across the dead marsh. Frodo had his near drowning accident, until Carolyn saved him with another lifeguarding technique learned from Kelsey.

**flashback**

"Guys, look at my ultra-cool whistle and lifeguarding shorts and shirt! Here, ill show you some lifeguarding stuff. Jenneva's unconscious" knocks out jenneva with blow to the head "Now you grab her..."

end flashback

"Carolyn, you saved my life!"

"If you do it again, I'll kill you. My hair almost got wet!"

Kelsey/Legolas/Aragorn/Gimli

Kelsey was very happy with herself for besting Aragorn at the whole tracking thing. But now they were in Fangorn forest, which was very gloomy, and kelsey was losing her spirit. Just then Gimli licked a leaf.

"Yeck, Orc blood."

"You'll eat anything, wont you, Gimli?" asked Kelsey, her good mood restored. Her comment earned a stern look from Gimli, making her giggle. Just then, Aragorn and Gimli stopped.

"The White Wizard approaches," whispered Legolas.

"Don't let him speak, he'll bewitch us."

"Get behind me, Kelsey," said Legolas, melting Kelsey's heart. Legolas took note of his effect on her as she obeyed him without a single retort.

Then there was a blinding light. Aragorn leapt forward, Gimli shouted and Legolas let loose an arrow. Kelsey ran towards the brightness, making Legolas curse (he _was_ her assigned protector and was failing miserably seeing as Kelsey just ran into an unknown danger).

"**_You are looking for two_**-OOF" Gandalf was cut short as Kelsey flung her arms around his middle and squeezed as hard as she could.

"What took you so long, Frodo wanted to kill me for letting you die and then Gimli tried to kill me because of toothpaste and we put Boromir in a box and-"

"You put Boromir WHERE?" All three of her companions looked at her dumbfounded.

"Umm, well, we put Boromir in a box up in a tree so he wouldn't die, he would have, you know, and, well, we kinda left Fabio with him to see if he would make a god dad because Carolyn wants to marry him and-"

"YOU LEFT BOROMIR IN A BOX AT THE MERCY OF THE ORCS!?! WITH A SREAMING BABY TO ATRACT THEIR ATTENTION!?!?!" All three males yelled.

"Well, no, we told the elves, they're going to retrieve him," said Kelsey a little abashedly.

Boromir/Fabio

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"HELPMEHELPMEHELPMEHELPMEHELPMEHELPME!!!!"

"Well, Haldir, do you really want to bring _that_ back to peaceful Lothlorien?"

"......No, lets leave him up there."


	30. poory borry

A/N: REVIEWS ROCK MY WORLD. I lurv you. I reely reely do! And so heres anudder chapter, just for you, Carolyn, LadyGglory and nightwoman

Jenneva/Gollum/Sam/Frodo/Carolyn

Jenneva was now equipped with a stick. Any time Gollum came near her, she whapped him on the head. Unfortunately, this only seemed to increase Gollum's interest. After all, anything worth having is worth fighting for or whatnot. So Carolyn watched the anguish of her bald friend and laughed. This did not last very long, however. That night, Jenneva exacted her revenge.

Carolyn woke up and rubbed her eyes at the bright morning light. But, her eyes felt weird. She dug out her mirror and screamed in utter agony. Jenneva had shaved her eyebrows, and given her a flock of seagulls haircut.

"JENNEVA, I'M GONNA KICK YOUR SCRAWNY ASS!!!"

Carolyn chased Jenneva around, completely forgetting about the stun gun in her fit of rage. Gollum, however, had remembered quite well and grabbed it. He aimed and hit Carolyn straight in the bum.

"We saved Jennewah. We loves Jennewah, precious. Jennewah is grateful and will give us love."

Jenneva groaned. "How about cheezits?"

"What are cheezits, precious?"

"They are yummy squares of cheese that you eat," and with that, she gave him a handful. They had a rather odd affect on him, however. He began jumping around and singing in an excruciatingly awful voice.

"GOLLUM, SHUT UP OR I'LL NEVER GIVE YOU CHEEZITS AGAIN" Jenneva yelled over the singing.

Gollum immediately shut his trap.

"You shouldn't be so mean to him. He was something like a hobbit once. Weren't you, Smeagol?" asked Frodo, remembering what Gandalf had told him.

"No. We was a cheezit once, precious." Gollum went into a fit of laughter at his own bad joke. Sam rolled his eyes.

"Just quiet him down, I hear an odd noise."

Boromir/Fabio

silence

"Thank you thank you thank you," Boromir whispered.

"Haldir, should we bring him down now? He wont be such an irritation since-"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Haldir gave a pointed look at his companion.

"Never mind."

Kelsey/Aragorn/Gimli/Legolas?Gandalf

So now Gandalf wore all white, and Kelsey was puzzled. Was he getting married? Was he a fairy? Only people getting married and faeries wore all white. Kelsey proceeded to ask him this, making him laugh until he wheezed.

"No, I am neither a faerie nor am I getting married. I wear white because I am the image of what Saruman could have been."

"...oh...Why are we going to Rohan?"

"Saruman's armies are mobilizing, we need to warn Rohan of their coming."

"...oh...umm...what if the enemy captures me since I know the future and all?"

"Then you will be tortured until you reveal what they wish to know."

"...oh...shit..."

"I wont allow that to happen, Kelsey," said Legolas, using his new-found weapon.

Kelsey sighed happily. Legolas smirked to himself. Gandalf started to whistle, and a gorgeous white horse galloped up. Kelsey ran to pet him, and Shadowfax neighed happily. Carrying Gandalf around without petting was getting on Shadowfax's nerves. A plan formed in his equine mind. When Gandalf came to mount him, he shied away and went next to Kelsey. This game continued until Gandalf gave up.

"Fine," he snapped. "Kelsey, you will ride Shadowfax. I will ride behind Aragorn, since my mount has lost his mind. Pride of the king's stables, my beard. Humfph."

Kelsey was in her element. She graciously mounted her noble steed, then let out a shriek as he bolted towards Rohan. The males shook their heads and went off after her. After about an hour of heavy riding, they arrived at the horse capitol of middle earth. They all walked up the long stairs, Kelsey puffing. By the time she reached the top, Gandalf was talking to Saruman inside of the king.

"BE GONE!"

Somehow the moldy old crusty king dude turned into a younger less moldy king dude. Éowyn was happy, and assisted her uncle. Kelsey had noticed with jealousy how Éowyn had looked at Aragorn. This was HER half of the fellowship, Damnit! Éowyn could go find her own burly menfolk to protect her from being tortured.

Gandalf gave his rousing speech, and the new non-crusty king was thinking it over when Kelsey spoke up.

"If you call for aid-"

"Silence! Women do not speak in matters of state."

"Oh no he didn't!" said Kelsey, warning her friends.

"Kelsey, he didn't mean-"

Unfortunately, Aragorn wasn't quick enough to stop Kelsey. She dodged his hands, grabbed a random object on the table and stuffed it in the esteemed monarch's mouth.

"WOMEN ARE JUST AS SMART AS MEN, MAYBE IF YOU KNEW THAT YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN DRIED OUT AND CRUSTY AND POSSESED LIKE IN THE EXORCIST!"

At this point, the king's guard dragged Kelsey off of their sovereign and he removed the weasel from his mouth.


	31. Walkie Talkies

A/N: Thank you, my beloved reviewers, and don't cry, heres anudda chapta fer ya

Jen/Carolyn/Sam/Frodo/Gollum

There was now a loud screeching noise, as if a certain unnamed physics teacher had discovered a dead body while windsurfing (he actually has, I've heard the story like 5 times). Jenneva squeaked, Gollum hissed, Carolyn moaned, Frodo did his little 'i'm under a spell' look and Sam dove under a bush.

"Get under here, it'll see us. Mr. Frodo, hurry!"

The flying dragon-looking-type thing was circling around the marshes, calling for the ring. What, no one knows, though, is what it said. You see, the wraith was quite bored flying around looking for a teensy little hobbit in a big marsh. In wraithian, it was singin a well-known song...

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay! And I pity, any wraith who isn't me today..."

After the wraith left and Jenneva fended off another attack of presents from Gollum (a pretty stick with some mud on the end of it made for a sucker, apparently. How many licks to get to the slime covered center? The world may never know.), the group proceeded to Mount Doom. They topped a ridge and all of a sudden, there it was. A big thing with gates. Looking quite impressive and evil, might I add.

They were all staring at the immense number of troops marching through those giant gates, when Sam's part of the rock broke away from the face of the little cliff thingy. Frodo gave a strangled cry and chased after him, sliding down the hill to where his friend lay. He covered them both with his cloak as two soldiers broke away form the column and came to investigate the noise. Jenneva and Carolyn tensed as the guards drew closer to their friends and heard them clearly say :

"Look, two hobbits under a blanket."

Carolyn knew she had to distract the soldiers, or they would kill Frodo and she would never get to meet Faramir. She did the only thing she could think of.

"Hey, look up here!!!" she shouted, and proceeded to flash the two soldiers. They were staring at her, awed, when Frodo and Sam popped up and knocked them out. They quickly covered their two victims with Frodo's cloak, and hid under Sam's until the rest of the soldiers were inside the gates.

Frodo began to run towards the gate, but Gollum grabbed him.

"No, master! Too dangerous. Can't let them have the precious!"

"Then how will we get in? You've led us here for nothing!" yelled Frodo (he was obviously a little stressed out over the whole situation)

"There's a back way. Orcs don't use it, orcs don't know it. Come on, master! Follow Smeagol."

And with that, the group headed back in the direction they came from, now that they were sufficiently scared out of their wits.

Kelsey/Gimli/Legolas/Aragorn

Kelsey had been locked in a room while the males what with their sperm and all since they're SOOO much better talked about what the hell they were going to do. Kelsey fumed around her small room, randomly yelling, and then remembered the walkie-talkie.

"Roger, Carolyn, come in, Carolyn."

"Kelsey? Is that you?"

"Sure is, over."

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, how are you, over?"

"Fine, but Kelsey, you don't have to make the krrhh noise, the walkie talkie does it for you..."

"Such technology, saves us time and energy, over."

"So what's up then, why did u beep me?"

"Well, I got kidnapped by orcs, saved by Eomer, DUMPED by Eomer, took over Aragorn as tracking/storytelling person, found Gandalf, told them about Borry and the box, rode Shadowfax, fixed the king, but then he started to talk about women AND THEN THERE WAS A WEASEL!"

..........

"OVER"

"Wow Kelsey, you've been busy...Jenneva is bald."

silence

"Ahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!"

"And my eyebrows got shaved and I have a flock of seagulls haircut."

"OMG.....WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!"

"Over...and...out...can't...stop...laughing....bye...."

After about an hour, Kelsey stopped laughing, and Legolas came to get her.

"We're having dinner."

"Oh, and I suppose that women are ALLOWED to serve the esteemed king's food for him?"

"No, you get to eat in the corner."

"...I'll come."

Kelsey rummaged around in her bag, grabbed something and followed Legolas to the hall, where dinner was about to be served. She sat at the table in the corner, and watched as the males ate in almost perfect silence. They could feel her glares at them and didn't want to talk.

After the meal, Kelsey whipped out a remote control, specially designed. Theoden was talking about helm's deep, when Kelsey pressed the mute button. His lips kept moving, but no sound came out. Theoden drank a glass of water, and Kelsey unmuted him. He talked again, and Kelsey turned up the volume. He was shouting now, and couldn't help it at all. He stopped talking, and Kelsey turned the volume almost all the way down. When he talked again, you could barely hear him. Kelsey turned his volume back to normal, and explored her remote control. Ah, the program button. What would that do? Kelsye pressed it, and Theoden stopped talking and had a blank look on his face. Kelsey whispered 'I like pie', and it immediately came out of Theoden's mouth. Hehehe. Next, she invited Éowyn to dine with the men. Kelsey also thanked Gandalf for his help in exorcising his majesty, and for kicking Grima Wormtongue out. (A/N" I left that out because Kelsey was going up the stairs as he rolled down them) Next, she proceeded to say random things.

"I have a boil on my buttocks."

"My balls itch."

"Does this robe make me look fat?"

"If a man talks and no woman hears him, IS HE STILL WRONG?"

"YES" Kelsey and Theoden yelled at the same time. Gandalf looked at Kelsey, saw the remote in her hand, took into account Theoden's blank look, and started towards her. Kelsey was smart enough to MEEP and run for her life.


	32. Her Tongue is Weird

A/N: some of the stuff in the last chappie was carolyn's idea. She rants to me at school, and I use it sometimes. XD. REVIEW!!! And there's a few disclaimers around here somewhere, look in other chappies if you want one.

Jenneva/Frodo/Sam/Carolyn/Gollum/Sméagol can you believe the spellchecker wants it to be seagull

Carolyn was getting antsy. She was going to meet Faramir soon, and her eyebrows still hadn't grown back. Her hair was semi-normal, but her eyebrows were non-existent. Jenneva's hair was restored to almost normality as well. Something in the lembas bread, they had decided. And though Jen's hair had grown back, Gollum was still in love with her. Back to her problems. Faramir.

And as Carolyn was thinking, Gollum popped up with two dead rabbits in his mouth.

"Look what Sméagol found!" And laid one in Jenneva's lap and one in Frodo's.

"Stop that, you'll make them sick!" yelled Sam, grabbing the rabbits and threw them in a cookpot.

"There's only one way to cook a brace of conies. If we only had some taters."

"What's taters, precious?" asked Gollum curiously.

"You know, po-ta-toes. Boil em, mash em, stick em in a stew."

"Look Sam, oliphants!" Frodo yelled, breaking up the impending fight.

"Oooooh, aaaaaaaaah," the whole group oo-ed and ah-ed.

All of a sudden, someone grabbed Carolyn's shoulder. She reacted instinctively and stun gunned them, then the two guys with him.

"Shit, its Faramir!"

"Carolyn, what are we gonna do with him? We can't just leave him here, and we can't tie him up or anything, there's no rope. And if we bring him with us, there's no way to keep him with us."

"Oh yes there is." Carolyn has a devious mind.

Merry/Pippin

"Lets get the ents to destroy Isenguard."

"Sounds good to me...I'm hungry."

Kelsey/Legolas/Aragorn/Gimli/Gandalf

"I'm going to ride out and find Éomer. Look for me by first light on the fifth day DAMNIT SHADOWFAX, LEMME ON!"

"Gandalf, how about I go?" suggested Kelsey. "I'm lighter, Shadowfax likes me, I've actually meet Éomer before, I know where they are, kinda, and you can help with the battle here, where as I'd be in the back with all the women and children because SOMEONE is a sexist bastard."

"Well...Kelsey, this is an important task-"

"I know, the entire fate of Middle earth hangs on this, cause if you guys die, Frodo loses. But if you stay, Gandalf, you can save Haldir. When Aragorn yells to fall back, don't let Haldir get his head split open. Got it? And Aragorn, stay away from Éowyn. She's a bitch, and you're already taken, remember? Now, rig a compass to point to Éomer or something so I can leave."

"Kelsey, it's too dangerous. As your assigned protector, I-"

"Shut up, Legolas." And with that, Kelsey threw her arms around his neck and gave him a thorough kissing. When she was done, she took Gandalf's compass thingy, mounted Shadowfax, and headed off to find Éomer.

"Well, we finally got rid of her," said Gimli, with a worried look on his face.

"She'll be fine," Aragorn said uncertainly.

"Her tongue is weird," said Legolas with a decidedly odd look on his face.

Jenneva/Frodo/Sam/Carolyn/Gollum/Sméagol/Faramir/two other random guys

Faramir woke up slowly. Remembering what had happened, he cracked open one eye to assess the situation. Seeing only two girls and two children, he sprang up and started to run away. Until he noticed it was a bit breezy. He looked down, and realized he wasn't wearing any pants. HE ran back to his captors and demanded in a whiny voice

"Where are my pants?"

Carolyn looked at him and almost giggled. He was just TOO cute.

"I don't know, Gollum's around here somewhere. Gollum! Sméagol! Come here!"

And with that Gollum came skidding into the clearing, wearing Faramir's pants on his head. Those cheezits had really done something to his brain. Faramir chased him around awhile until he realized he wouldn't catch the gangly little bugger. He looked at his captors, preparing to plead for some kind of covering (he was quite modest) when he noticed one of the girls didn't have any eyebrows.

_How exotic_ (A/N: Carolyn's) he thought, and immediately regretted it, because he wasn't wearing pants. In his thin boxers, his...um...sticky-uppy-thing was obvious. Upon seeing it, the girls shrieked.

"Gollum, give him back his pants! Put it away!" yelled Jenneva.

"Shut it off, shut it off," screeched Carolyn. She had plans for him, and was not about to get on his bad side.

After Faramir had his pants on and his face turned back to a normal color, he calmly asked "who are you, why have you taken me prisoner and what do you intend to do with me?"

Carolyn grinned evilly.


	33. Paint Chips and Sexy Hair

A/N: Nice reviews, please, and if you want to give a bad one, at least make it constructive. No insults, please. And if my characters are annoying, TOO BAD IT'S MY STORY. If you give a nice review stating so, I might change them a little. So yeah, this chappie is short. Next will be long, we promises XD. And thanks to the reviewers, I lurv you guys studiously ignores flaming bitch peas and lurv, enjoy.

Kelsey

Mwahahaha, I kissed him. HIM, the one elf, TO RULE THEM ALL. Okay, need to stop. That jokes getting a little old, dontchya think?

Great, now I'm talking to myself. I wonder if it's because I am a complete and total moron who sounds like an idiot and ate paint chips as a child?……Naw.

Jenneva/Carolyn/Gollum/Sam/Frodo/Faramir/Two other random guys

Carolyn's plan was going well. Faramir stayed close to her side. She had warned him that if he strayed too far, she would zap him with her stun gun. On the zapping mode, it just hurt like hell instead of knocking you out. So there he stayed, like a little puppy, following her wherever she went. And this suited her just fine. She was tempted to take away his pants again, but her eyebrows still hadn't grown back.

"Carolyn, where are we going again?"

Should she tell him they were wasting time until he fell in love with her so they could be taken back to Gondor and be completely safe?

"Massachusetts."

"Where's that?'

"I dunno. Jenneva, where's Massachusetts?"

Jenneva looked warily up from her task: fending off Gollum.

"Somewhere on the east coast, methinks-AHHH"

Gollum had managed to grab Jenneva around the waist and tried to carry her off. Carolyn zapped him as a side thought as she smiled sweetly at Faramir.

"See? There you go."

Frodo came to Jenneva's rescue, shoving the nearly unconscious Gollum off of her and helping her to her feet.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes, now that stalker…creature-thing is down. Thanks."

Sam came up and handed Jenneva a spoon.

"Next time he comes at you, hit him with this."

"Thanks, Sam…"

Gollum grabbed for Jenneva again, and she hit him with her spoon. Carolyn buzzed Gollum again, but this time the electricity went through the spoon into Jenneva. Spoons are conductors, you see. Her hair stood on end as she glared at Carolyn. Gollum apparently thought her hair was too sexy to resist. He started stroking it, making Jenneva's face go absolutely frozen. Frodo knocked him off the rock Gollum was perched on, assuming his protector role.

"Stay away from her, Sméagol. Master says so."

Gollum just looked at Frodo, then grinned as a plan formed in his strange twisted brain.


End file.
